Therapy

In the very first moments after I learned of Levi’s death, I knew I would write about his life, our loss, and the aftermath of it all.  What I didn’t know and have struggled with ever since is IF I would share my inmost thoughts on paper with others.  Today, on Babyloss Remembrance Day (a day I never knew existed and so wish didn’t have to) I have come to the conclusion that, yes, I do want to share with anyone who wants to read because I have been so impacted by others who were and are willing to share. And, writing is cheaper than therapy.

I have found such comfort in the blogs of other babyloss moms (yes, that’s what we’re called).  I found two that really resonated with me just a week after we came home from the hospital.  “Bythebrooke” is my favorite and is written by an English professor in St. Louis who lost her daughter Eliza almost three years ago.  “Deeper Still” is written by a woman named Larissa who’s in Australia and lost her baby Ariella just 32 weeks before we lost Levi. I can’t begin to tell you how much comfort I find in the words of these mamas.  I’ve emailed back and forth with them both and their words have been a salve to my shattered heart.

I think what pushed me to just sit down and write was my lack of participation in any of the Babyloss Remembrance Day “rituals” and my overwhelming guilt about it.  I spent a lot of time last night reading about the day and what other moms had posted that they would be doing to honor their babies today.  One mom even listed our sweet baby boy as one of the babies she would be lighting a candle for.  I even LIED and said I would do the same for her Zia.  And when it came down to it, I did nothing.  I didn’t want to light just any old candle.  I didn’t have the energy after school to go purchase a special “dead baby” candle(s). And, I rationalized with myself all day that I do not need a candle nor a day to remember my baby or my loss.  If I have one moment of the day that I don’t remember, it is fleeting.

But now that 7pm has come and gone, and I have done nothing but cry and post a picture on Face.book that I stole from a mom who did light a candle for her lost girl, I am overcome with guilt.  They say (they being people who’ve either gone through this or help counsel people who’ve gone through this) that the guilt us mamas feel after our loss is one of the worst side effects, and I’d have to agree.  Guilt that is not rational or deserved, but guilt nonetheless. Even in the moments when I feel like I am drowning in my grief and my guilt and I realize it’s not logical to feel the way I feel, the feelings come anyway and I am broken by things I could not do to save him or have not done right since he’s been gone.

So, I did not light a candle.  I do not have any pictures or special mementos displayed in our home (yet).  I did not even tell my husband or my mother or my best friend that today existed.  And I feel pretty crappy about it. But, I did make it out of bed this morning.  I taught 85 kiddos without having a breakdown. I made it to the gym, fixed dinner for my husband, and stuck to the crazy diet I’m doing this week.  I did some laundry and paperwork for our business.  And I missed my baby every second of today.