My not so Bummer Summer

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from two years of marriage, it’s this: listen to your mother-in-law.  While I was in a funk yesterday, she told me to blog.  She also told me to write “I love my mother-in-law” 500 times, but this one seemed easier.  She’s right.  All my life I’ve been drawn to the pen and the page when I needed to get something off my heart.  This summer, I have been fighting the urge to write because I felt a little ashamed of how I have been feeling. 

I have been given the gift of spending the summer with my very sick Nanny.  This will be her last summer with us as she is in her final stages of cancer.  In God’s perfect timing, we discovered this cancer last summer and I was able to spend it with her going for biopsies and treatments.  Because of that summer, she is around for this one.  I took last summer in stride; I saw a light at the end of the tunnel- she had the hope of getting better.  This summer, we are preparing for the end of her precious life on earth.  And it is HARD!  She’s losing her voice, but her mind is still sharp.  She doesn’t like to lie in bed all day, but she is too weary to do much else.  She tries to eat, but usually loses it.  She’s okay being left alone for short periods of time, but the “what ifs” compel us to stay with her nearly around the clock. 

While I honestly do feel grateful to be able to be here and sorry for those in my family who choose not to be, lately, I’ve had feelings that are fairly foreign to me.  I’ve been experiencing all kinds of jealousy of my friends who are living it up this summer.  I find myself getting easily frustrated by those who ask me to hangout when they should know that I am too busy to join them at the pool.  I torture myself by reading Facebook posts about beach trips and lake days.  I get annoyed when people don’t return my texts either at all or not until 3-4 hours later.  (OK, this has always annoyed me!)  

Wanna know what’s even worse?  This week some self pity has crept in and joined the green eyed jealousy monster. And, I hate it!  I hate feeling sorry for myself!  Usually, I am the cheerleader friend.  Usually, I am the one trying to pull others out of their funk.  I don’t like being on the other side of the funk (ha!). I find myself frustrated by the lack of those coming to my rescue when in truth, I haven’t let anyone know I need rescuing.  And although I’ve been thinking they should be able to read my mind and spring into action, they can’t and I shouldn’t expect them to either.    

And now that I am putting it out there, I am a little terrified at the response.  I don’t like other people feeling sorry for me any more than I like feeling sorry for myself.  So, what do I really want to happen?  I want to learn from this season of my life.  I don’t want to expect that a day at the pool or a speedy text will fix the root of my feelings.  This summer is hard and it is going to get harder still.  I need to focus on the blessings that I am receiving now:  Skip is home this summer; we have a wonderful church family and great new friends; I have the summer off to soak up every last second with a woman that has been my world; and, my friends love me and know me well enough to not change their behavior towards me after reading this blog.  Or, at least, I think I hope they do.