My plan (and you know how I love a plan) for this summer was
to write a lot. I wanted to chronicle
our time with Baby A and our subsequent pregnancy and ENJOY leisurely
writing. So far, I’ve failed
miserably. I could (legitimately) blame
it on not having as much time as I assumed I would have to write and on
regularly forgetting/blocking out the fact that I am, in fact, pregnant again,
but I don’t really think that’s it. You
see, I am nothing if not an honest writer and sharing about Baby A with 100% honesty
is complicated. It’s scary to admit how
attached we are to her and how much we’d love to keep her forever.
Here’s the thing, and I feel a little dumb even admitting
it: I didn’t think I would love her this much.
Honestly, I am not sure I’ve ever felt this kind of love before. Yes, I
loved Levi fiercely. I loved the tiny
bundle of joy I imagined he would be. I
loved how much he looked like his daddy when he was born, despite the other
horrific aspects of his appearance. I
loved all the hopes and dreams we had for our firstborn. I still do.
But, I didn’t know him like I
know Baby A. I haven’t gotten good at
anticipating his needs or identifying his cries. He doesn’t reach for me for bedtime snuggles
and when (like she has been today) he is sick.
I desperately wish I had been afforded those opportunities with him but
I wasn’t. But, I have been with
her. I almost feel guilty for enjoying
her as much as I do when I don’t get to enjoy him in these ways. So, we’re three months in and I cannot imagine
not being her mom. I cannot imagine
losing her, too. To all those people who said from the beginning, “how on earth
will you give her back?” I have to say now, “I have no idea.”
It’s not like Skip and I thought it would be easy. We went into this saying that our motto has
kind of become “we do hard stuff,” and it’s true. I just didn’t think it’d be this hard for
several reasons. I thought the
progression towards reunification with Baby A’s mother would be speedier than
it has turned out to be. I also did not
have a clear picture of her goals for herself and her baby. There have been several turns of events (turn
of events?) that have put us in a different position than we thought we would
be. I had been a mother but I had never
been a parent, so I had no idea what kind of bond could be created between a
mom with empty arms and a precious baby in need of some to spoil her
rotten. I know now.
The initial “reunification” date was set for August 19th,
Baby A’s first birthday. Being just a
little over a month away from that date, it’s obvious that that is not going to
happen. Her mom is not anymore prepared
to take her now that she was when we got her and we are certainly not prepared
to give her back. The thought of having
this new baby girl (more on that later) and a 14-month-old Baby A terrifies me
and excites me. Although I’ve never
wanted “stair step” children, when I imagine having this new baby, I cannot
imagine Baby A not being there, too. I
used to look at moms with kids that close in age with pity in the Target check
out line, and now I start and end my day praying to be one of them!
We’ve (hopefully) made it through our first bout of illness
with Baby A. She was extra sleepy on
Saturday, and by Sunday afternoon she had the early signs of a stomach bug
(which at first I attributed to teething).
By this morning, she was full blown sick. I began texting my mama friends and asking
for advice, calling my mama, and running through possible causes with Skip. I’d had plans for today for weeks with Ashley
and Jenilee for a full day of visiting in Charlotte. I could not decide if I felt comfortable
leaving her with my mom, but I knew she could not go with me and be around
Luke, Ashley’s son. I mulled it over for
hours in between some of the nastiest diaper changes I’ve ever been witness to,
and decided I could go for an abbreviated visit. She was just going to sleep (and poop) and
mom could handle that. I checked in with
mom mid-visit and decided to go ahead and look into taking her to the doctor
tomorrow. The only “local” doctor she’s
been to is in Myers Park (Charlotte!) where her mother took her for her 9 month
check-up. I called the pediatrician I
plan to use here only to find out they don’t take Medicaid patients. My second choice also could not accept her
Medicaid, because it’s been issued in Mecklenburg County instead of Cabarrus
(even though the office is in Davidson- which is in Mecklenburg county!). I gave up and called the nurse line at the
Myers Park office. I was pleased with
the nurse, satisfied with her recommendations and amused by her questions (no,
she has not been out of the country in the last 30 days; no, she has not been
in close proximity to reptiles in the last 14 days). We made a pit stop for Pedialyte on our way
home from Ashley’s and I picked up a still very sick baby and brought her home
to nurse back to help armed with only cherry punch “cocktail.”
She did a lot more sleeping (and pooping) and kept down very
little Pedialyte, but after her bath tonight she played (nekkid) in the nursery
floor with Skip and me for about 45 minutes.
We’re praying that’s a sign of better days to come. She tried so hard to feel good enough to play
today, which just made her even more pitiful.
I guess we’ve experienced yet another parenting first, and it’s one that
I hope doesn’t come around too often. I
have been grateful for a hands-on husband and nanny and especially for my mama
friends who’ve been there-done this before and have infinite wisdom to bestow
upon us. I’ve talked more about poop
today than I ever care to again, but it’s been so comforting to have someone to
ask, “does red Pedialyte make a diaper look like it maybe/possibly/could be
blood?” at 10PM. There are perks to
bringing up the rear on this child raising stuff and today, I definitely reaped
the benefits. And even when she’s puny (and poopy) there’s no where else I’d rather
her be.
