Decisions, Decisions

This is a big week around our house.  Skip will be turning 34 on Tuesday and much more excitedly, Baby A will be a year old on the same day!  I’ve had a blast (and several minor panic attacks) over planning her birthday party.  I never realized there were so many decisions to be made!  Should we do a two-for-one and celebrate Skip’s birthday at the same time and location?  Should we have the party at our house or at the park?  How many is too many people to invite?  Who should take her one-year-old pictures? (This is a very tricky decision because of Skip’s relationships with so many great photographers.) On what day and at what time should the party be and what should we serve to eat?  There is/was so much to consider, but I had a lot of fun with it.

I pinned an adorable invitation and had Skip begin to recreate it for me in Photoshop.  When he casually mentioned the cost of printing and mailing the number of invites I was planning to send out, I scraped that idea and decided on Evites and a Face.book event.  Skip got prices from several of his photographer friends and although their work is amazing and I am sure worth their fees, we opted to have Skip take them instead.  I am so unsure of how Baby A will act during her first photoshoot, especially if the photographer is male, and I know how easy it is for Da-Da to get her to smile. Plus, he’s got a fancy-schmancy camera and doesn’t charge a sitting fee!  I priced a shelter at the Village Park and tickets to the Splash Pad and Train ride, and although it is really a super deal, it wasn’t free, so we’re having the party at home.  I won’t have to lug everything in and out of the park, and I’ll be forced to give my house a good cleaning before school starts back.

I hate to sound cheap (although if you know me, you know that I SO TOTALLY AM), but I never realized how expensive parties could be!  And I know she’s a baby and won’t remember this party or the next few to come, but I will.  And, if we get to keep her forever (you’re praying for that with me, right?) I never ever want her to look at things we (will hopefully) do for her little sister and wonder why it wasn’t done for her in a similar fashion.  I’ve also realized why other baby loss mamas have shared about the emotional toll that planning birthday parties after loss can be.  It’s been super fun, but some parts have just been sad.  Do you have any idea how many cute birthday party themes there are out there for little boys?  About a zillion.  And this is the time of year that I should be planning my first little boy birthday party.  I am so thankful and blessed to have one to plan at all, but it’s just not the one I should be planning, and that sucks. 

Choosing gifts and sweet baby girl wrapping paper has not sucked and has gotten me over the sadness humps when the come.  I shopped Craigslist and found a Cozy Coupe (the toddler smart car looking thing) for a steal.  Then, I found a Little Tykes climber with slide on Craigslist for another great deal.  I ordered her some books with African American children in them and her first Bible on Amazon.  My other gift ideas- a crawling tunnel, a monogrammed suitcase, and shoes- I farmed out to mama.  I’ve been really looking forward to giving them to her.  When we picked her up from her weekend visitation (that I survived like a champ!) we also ended up picking up a brand-new pink and white Cozy Coupe.  It was half assembled and part of that was done incorrectly but it was a nice present-nicer than anything I assumed she’d get.  Her (biological) father had apparently gotten it for her but they couldn’t get it put together properly.  Just as I suspected, she LOVES it and she and Skip spent the evening driving it around.  Skip only knows one speed, so she had to hang on tight, but she loved it.  I plan to try to re-sell the one I purchased from Craigslist after the party, so I’m not even bummed they ripped off my present idea. 

So anyway, we’re partying at home and my fabulous friend, Kimberly, is crafting an adorable smash cake and making cupcakes.  I’m also gonna serve hot ham and cheese sandwiches, fruit, and the goldfish’s cost effective first cousin-Aldi brand “penguins.” Skip’s parents are coming up from Atlanta and Nana Lou has made her an adorable onesie/dress that says “I’m one” and Christi let me borrow Paisley’s birthday outfit complete with a tu-tu.  I actually planned the party colors around the tu-tu, so like the diva she is, she’ll have a wardrobe change mid party!  I was worried no one would come, but now I think it’s just gonna be great!  And, if the birthday girl will either nap early or troop through a morning without a nap, it’ll be even better!

Legacy

To be so bad with numbers, I am awfully good (oxymoron, yes?) with dates.  So, there’s a lot going on today, August 17^th, but the thing that strikes me most about this date is that two years ago today, my Nanny went home to meet Jesus face to face.  Not a day goes by that I don’t either do something she taught me or think of something she used to say or laugh at how she would be dolling out the advice on how to handle visitation and “joint” parenting (I’m being kind with that wording).  And oh my gracious, how she would love this baby girl just like we all do. 

Enough time has gone by now that when I think about her, I don’t think about her sick and suffering like we did for so long after she fought cancer so dag-gum hard there at the end.  Instead, I think of our shopping trips and visits to the library and how intently she listened when I told a story.  I find myself regularly asking mom and Skip if they are really listening to me, and I never ever had to do that with her.  It’s one of the things I miss the most.  She was my greatest admirer and you better believe I worked hard not to let her down.

This summer, through their posts and pictures, I’ve watched two friends on Face.book say goodbye to their grandmothers.  My heart just broke for them, but it also was a great comfort to see that other Memaws and Grannys out there are just as treasured as my Nanny was.  I know so many in my generation that don’t make spending time with their grandparents a priority, and that’s sad.  Truthfully, I think we lose out on more by not being around than they do by not having us around. 

So, when I think about my Nanny today, it’s not bittersweet, it’s just plain sweet.  In many ways, I feel as close to her today as I did when she was still here.  I am a mother now and I get to try to do the task justice like she did.  I get to watch my mama be the Nanny my Nanny always was.

We didn’t get a whole lot monetarily when my Nanny died.  She’d spent our inheritances on our first cars, and spending money for me throughout college, and finally cancer treatments.  But what she did leave is a legacy and I am so incredibly thankful for it. 

It Happened

Well, it happened.  I was hoping it wouldn’t. I honestly didn’t think that it would. I made it 25 weeks and 4 days into this pregnancy without experiencing it, and then, just like that, it happened.  Indescribable, baby loss mama fear.  I went to the pool with mom and Baby A on Wednesday and right after getting there I, of course, had to pee.  I noticed very faint spotting, but there was no denying something was there that shouldn’t be.   I reminded myself that is was probably no biggie and even found a logical possible reason.  I calmly decided that all I needed was to feel some movement and set out to get her wiggling and ease my mind.

I’ve been feeling obvious baby movement for the past few weeks but not regular, predictable movement. I seem to feel her the most when I am up in the night either peeing or helping Baby A get back to sleep.  I knew that drinking a cold drink is suggested for kick counts (which I won’t start doing until 28 weeks) and decided a little caffeine couldn’t hurt either.  I hit the snack bar and bought an ice-cold RC co-cola and guzzled about half the bottle.  The only movement I got was yucky burps.  I hiked up my maternity tankini top to let the sun beat on my bare belly.  Last summer, Levi all but danced every time my belly got hot in the sun, but his little sister wouldn’t budge.  I laid on both sides and pushed her around a bit and even thought at one time I felt a little kick, but it wasn’t followed by more kicks which is usually the case, so I dismissed it.  I remained outwardly calm, but while mom and Baby A were swimming laps/sitting on the stairs I called my OBGYN. 

It was 2:15PM and they had an appointment for me at 3:45PM.  I figured that’d be plenty of time to get home from the pool and hoped Skip would be home to keep the baby by then.  I didn’t want to worry Mom and having her keep the baby would have prevented her from getting our other big girl, Amy, before church that night.  I sent Skip a couple texts while at the pool, but didn’t get a response.  Luckily, he called just as I was leaving the pool.  Unluckily, he was in Concord and could not be home in time to stay with her.  We decided he would meet me there and drive around the sleeping baby while I went in to be checked. 

I remained calm, which I know I keep saying but that is so important to me for some reason, and went in by myself for the appointment.  It felt a little too familiar and like brand new territory at the same time.  I have never gone in for an appointment because I was worried about a pregnancy before.  Anyway, I waited for the doctor, one I’ve only seen once in the last two pregnancies, and texted with Skip who cruised around the mall “like it was Jericho” as one of this texts relayed.  The nurse was very sweet- they all remember me well from last year- and didn’t placate me but wasn’t indifferent either.  She was the perfect mix of optimism and understanding. 

When the doctor came in, she explained that I really should’ve been sent to triage for monitoring, but since they made me an appointment, she would see me first.  I got a little panicked that she was going to make me wait, but then I noticed the Doppler in her hand and relaxed a bit.  When I laid down for the jelly application, a flood of familiar feelings rushed in and I was crippled by fear that the sound on the Doppler was going to be the same sound I heard with Levi almost a year ago. My eyes filled with tears as she quickly picked up what I knew to be a heartbeat.  I started apologizing for my worry and texting Skip the good news.  I explained through tears that I hadn’t known anything was wrong with Levi until the Doppler was silent.  She did a physical exam and explained that because of my history, she would still be sending me to triage for monitoring.  I told her I didn’t think that was really necessary because at that point, this little girl had started cutting flips, but she said it was for peace of mind (and I could tell a little bit of covering her butt, too).

So, I set out on an all too familiar walk from my doctor’s office over to labor and delivery with my yellow slip in hand.  I went to the same counter and actually got the same lady who admitted me when they sent me to be induced with Levi.  I distracted myself with my phone while I waited to confirm that my life’s history had not changed and that they had all the proper information needed to bill me. I walked through the same, big double doors you have to have a badge to make open and just when I thought I would be put in a labor room, we turned down a new hall and I could breathe a little easier.  Baby girl was still kicking up a storm (nice to know she’s gonna keep me on my toes) so I wasn’t scared anymore, but the whole scene felt a bit eerie and I was just ready to get it over with.  In an effort to make nice with her mama, the little one immediately started moving and showed proper heart acceleration to which the sweet nurse responded with impressed noises and reassuring words.  I stayed hooked up for about 25 minutes and got to hear her heart beat faster as she made movements I could feel.

The whole ordeal- from realizing there could be a problem to making it back home in a hospital bracelet- lasted less than 5 hours.  Everyone was very reassuring and told me to call and come in for monitoring anytime, which I plan to do if I get worried again, but I can’t help but feel kind of silly.  Had I waited another hour or so, I would probably have felt her somersaults in the comfort of my own home and not received a bill.  But then again, if something had been wrong and I hadn’t gone, the guilt could have done me in.  All in all, I think I did the right thing.  Now I know what to expect.  Now, the last memory I have is of a strong, healthy heartbeat. And hopefully, the next 12 weeks are going to be remarkably uneventful.

Speaking of...

I am ashamed of my lack of blogging this summer.  When I was sitting on the side of the road waiting on Skip to come rescue me on our anniversary, I was thinking- I need to write about this.  My next thought was that I needed to write about a lot things that have happened this summer.  As summer is quickly winding down, I can’t believe that it’s almost over. 

So in no particular order, here’s a little update:

Thursday was our four-year anniversary.  We made plans for a couple’s massage at Massage Envy (we had a gift certificate!) and a cookie skillet at Afton Tavern.  We haven’t gone overboard on anniversaries the last two years- not gifts, no fancy dinner, just some scheduled time together.  It’s plenty special to us.  I realized in my quest to make an insta-collage of our pictures that we don’t take enough couple pics, so I am making it a new (marriage) year’s resolution to take more pictures together!  I got tickled at how many pictures I found of Skip sleeping.  Maybe I’ll do a collage of those for his upcoming birthday.  Anyway, despite my car trouble, it was a great day. 

Speaking of car trouble, in my never-ending pursuit of a silver lining, here goes: My check engine light came on at the beginning of the summer.  Skip took it to have the codes read, had the light turned off and brought it back “good as new” at the end of June.  The light came on again, but it continued to drive just fine, so I didn’t worry about it-just call me Penny.  Then I realized my inspection was due, so I set out Thursday morning to get the light re-set, drive the miles needed to get me a good inspection, and be on my merry way.  I took Baby A to summer camp (more on that later) and ran some errands.  I went to Salisbury and back and when I was a little over a mile away from home, I lost power.  I coasted another ½ mile or so while I called Skip to report that “it has happened.”  I got tickled calling him because I was just barely rolling down the road and it struck me funny.  Here’s the thing: it could have been SO MUCH WORSE.  I had been on the interstate minutes before.  I had been in another town an hour before.  Baby A is with me nearly everywhere I go these days.  But instead, I was alone, near home, and getting adorable video via text from Ashley of Baby A living it up at summer camp.  Oh, and the next day was a “gully-washer” of nonstop rain all day, so I was very thankful my break down happened the day before.  I ended up needing an alternator and a radiator.  My 2005 Nissan Altima has 203,500 miles and has had neither of these replaced before, so I couldn’t be too upset.  The retired mechanic down the street had me back on the road in less than 24 hours.  Interestingly enough he called at 11AM with the following information.  My car was ready.  He closed at 12.  It would be $1083.  He didn’t take debit/credit cards.  Or checks.  I should bring cash.  It’s a darn good thing for him that we’re Dave Ramsey disciples and had access to that kind of cash in the form of our emergency fund.  Anyway, the car runs great once again and all’s well that ends well.

Speaking of ending well, this week will be the last week Baby A goes to summer camp.  She spent her first day at camp in June when mom and I spent the day at the spa.  When I picked her up, it was obvious she’d had a great time.  Skip and I had a little mini-vacation to Hilton Head planned for July, so it seemed like a no brainer to send her back to camp while we were away.  When I did the math on paying per day vs. paying per month, it made the most sense to sign her up from mid July- mid August.  She also got quite clingy after I’d been out of school a few weeks and I do not want her to be that child who puts their mom in a choke hold when strangers speak to them in Target.  I’ve read all about separation anxiety at her age and know that it’s normal for the most part, but I also want her to know how to interact with other children and listen to other adults who may or may not be able to cater to her like ma-ma and da-da and nanny do at home. So, overall, it’s been a good decision.  She missed a few days with a stomach virus and a few more because of terrible teething days, so this past week was the first week she’s gone 3 days.  The first and second were great.  I got the videos I mentioned earlier and she was all smiles.  Fast-forward to Friday’s pick up.  When I got there she was a crying, snotty mess.  She had one foot randomly painted pink (due to a craft gone bad) and when I went to put her in the car seat, I noticed she was no longer wearing pants.  The director stopped me on the way to the car to ask if I’d been told “what was going on.”  Turns out, there’s been a little outbreak of hand-foot-and-mouth disease and I should watch her tiny (black) hands for pinks spots that indication infection.  I remained outwardly calm, but was a little panicked inside.  Remember that I joined this active parenting club four short months ago and this is my first experience with daycare of any kind.  Before I got home, I’d sworn of daycare forever and had Googled and had the center for disease control on speed dial (just kidding).  Of course, once Baby A stopped crying, took a good nap and has shown no signs of infection, I am ready to pack her up and send her back to camp next week.  This ma-ma just needed a few minutes to process the events that transpired at pick-up.  Ultimately though, it did settle for me that we will not be putting her in pre-school until/if/when the new baby comes and Nanny cannot keep them both at the same time.  We’d been debating the need for social interaction vs. spending money we didn’t really need to spend, so Friday helped make that decision a bit easier.

Speaking of easy decisions, when we decided to go to Hilton Head for three nights, it seemed like an easy decision.  I’ve written about the sweet deal I scored us on the fancy resort, so I feel the need to disclose how it really went down: they sent a voucher to print when I booked the trip, but to ensure I didn’t lose it, I didn’t even attempt to print it until the day before we left.  And of course, the website was down that day.  About half way to Hilton Head, I got it pulled up on my phone.  We were to check-in at the HH welcome center before proceeding to our hotel.  We assumed the welcome center would be in HH.  WRONG.  After getting to the island, we discovered the fine folks in HH like to welcome you to their island 35 MILES before you get to it.  So, we backtracked.  Then, a very unconcerned check-in lady explained that our accommodations were actually only for two nights.  If I wanted to clear up the mix-up, I would have to go stand in the parking lot in the 90-degree heat to get a decent enough signal to call someone who might be able to fix it for me.  Long story short, the “free” bonus night was not booked (even though it so totally was) and we would have to call back daily to see if a cancelation would make a third night a possibility for us.  Which I did to no avail.  Their best solution was to put us at a way-less-swanky-but-still-nice-enough hotel a few miles away.  The silver lining here was that the time-share tour was the easiest one we’ve ever done.  It took less than the 90 minutes allotted and the dude did not pressure us at all.  I guess when you’re visibly pregnant and talking about an 11 month old at home, they know you’ve got bigger fish to fry than a time-share payment.  They guy did ask us to drive him (and us) to the resort which we found odd but a small price to pay for being out in a 75 minutes.  We also used every dime of the $100 food vouchers they “gave” us and really enjoyed our meals.  The food was probably the high light of our trip.  Anytime I get to eat Key Lime Pie three nights in a row is a good time for me.  I must confess, too, that we did not stay the third night in the way-less-swanky-but-still-nice-enough hotel.  We showered, napped, and got ready for dinner there and after dinner on our last night, we hit the road.  Had we been in the super fancy resort room still, we probably would’ve stayed, but driving home at midnight helped us make great time and we missed that little girl something fierce.  This parenthood thing really does change everything.

Speaking of parenthood, I’ve got lots of things to share about Baby A, her upcoming birthday, and the joy that has been summer visitation.  I’ve also hit 24 weeks, which is supposed to be a major pregnancy milestone that feels just like any other uncertain day for me.  But, this has gotten way long (and I hope not too boring) and it’s past even my summer bedtime, so I’ll save those updates for another day. If you read to the end, thanks for the love J.