It Happened

Well, it happened.  I was hoping it wouldn’t. I honestly didn’t think that it would. I made it 25 weeks and 4 days into this pregnancy without experiencing it, and then, just like that, it happened.  Indescribable, baby loss mama fear.  I went to the pool with mom and Baby A on Wednesday and right after getting there I, of course, had to pee.  I noticed very faint spotting, but there was no denying something was there that shouldn’t be.   I reminded myself that is was probably no biggie and even found a logical possible reason.  I calmly decided that all I needed was to feel some movement and set out to get her wiggling and ease my mind.

I’ve been feeling obvious baby movement for the past few weeks but not regular, predictable movement. I seem to feel her the most when I am up in the night either peeing or helping Baby A get back to sleep.  I knew that drinking a cold drink is suggested for kick counts (which I won’t start doing until 28 weeks) and decided a little caffeine couldn’t hurt either.  I hit the snack bar and bought an ice-cold RC co-cola and guzzled about half the bottle.  The only movement I got was yucky burps.  I hiked up my maternity tankini top to let the sun beat on my bare belly.  Last summer, Levi all but danced every time my belly got hot in the sun, but his little sister wouldn’t budge.  I laid on both sides and pushed her around a bit and even thought at one time I felt a little kick, but it wasn’t followed by more kicks which is usually the case, so I dismissed it.  I remained outwardly calm, but while mom and Baby A were swimming laps/sitting on the stairs I called my OBGYN. 

It was 2:15PM and they had an appointment for me at 3:45PM.  I figured that’d be plenty of time to get home from the pool and hoped Skip would be home to keep the baby by then.  I didn’t want to worry Mom and having her keep the baby would have prevented her from getting our other big girl, Amy, before church that night.  I sent Skip a couple texts while at the pool, but didn’t get a response.  Luckily, he called just as I was leaving the pool.  Unluckily, he was in Concord and could not be home in time to stay with her.  We decided he would meet me there and drive around the sleeping baby while I went in to be checked. 

I remained calm, which I know I keep saying but that is so important to me for some reason, and went in by myself for the appointment.  It felt a little too familiar and like brand new territory at the same time.  I have never gone in for an appointment because I was worried about a pregnancy before.  Anyway, I waited for the doctor, one I’ve only seen once in the last two pregnancies, and texted with Skip who cruised around the mall “like it was Jericho” as one of this texts relayed.  The nurse was very sweet- they all remember me well from last year- and didn’t placate me but wasn’t indifferent either.  She was the perfect mix of optimism and understanding. 

When the doctor came in, she explained that I really should’ve been sent to triage for monitoring, but since they made me an appointment, she would see me first.  I got a little panicked that she was going to make me wait, but then I noticed the Doppler in her hand and relaxed a bit.  When I laid down for the jelly application, a flood of familiar feelings rushed in and I was crippled by fear that the sound on the Doppler was going to be the same sound I heard with Levi almost a year ago. My eyes filled with tears as she quickly picked up what I knew to be a heartbeat.  I started apologizing for my worry and texting Skip the good news.  I explained through tears that I hadn’t known anything was wrong with Levi until the Doppler was silent.  She did a physical exam and explained that because of my history, she would still be sending me to triage for monitoring.  I told her I didn’t think that was really necessary because at that point, this little girl had started cutting flips, but she said it was for peace of mind (and I could tell a little bit of covering her butt, too).

So, I set out on an all too familiar walk from my doctor’s office over to labor and delivery with my yellow slip in hand.  I went to the same counter and actually got the same lady who admitted me when they sent me to be induced with Levi.  I distracted myself with my phone while I waited to confirm that my life’s history had not changed and that they had all the proper information needed to bill me. I walked through the same, big double doors you have to have a badge to make open and just when I thought I would be put in a labor room, we turned down a new hall and I could breathe a little easier.  Baby girl was still kicking up a storm (nice to know she’s gonna keep me on my toes) so I wasn’t scared anymore, but the whole scene felt a bit eerie and I was just ready to get it over with.  In an effort to make nice with her mama, the little one immediately started moving and showed proper heart acceleration to which the sweet nurse responded with impressed noises and reassuring words.  I stayed hooked up for about 25 minutes and got to hear her heart beat faster as she made movements I could feel.

The whole ordeal- from realizing there could be a problem to making it back home in a hospital bracelet- lasted less than 5 hours.  Everyone was very reassuring and told me to call and come in for monitoring anytime, which I plan to do if I get worried again, but I can’t help but feel kind of silly.  Had I waited another hour or so, I would probably have felt her somersaults in the comfort of my own home and not received a bill.  But then again, if something had been wrong and I hadn’t gone, the guilt could have done me in.  All in all, I think I did the right thing.  Now I know what to expect.  Now, the last memory I have is of a strong, healthy heartbeat. And hopefully, the next 12 weeks are going to be remarkably uneventful.