Layla, it is!

Last Friday night, in the midst of some turmoil with Baby A’s mom, I told Skip that we needed to name this baby!  I was tired of not having a name to call her and I needed a positive distraction.  We’ve been going back and forth between Layla and Shylie for a while now.  I’ve loved the name Shylie for years, but Layla is a name we’d never really discussed before.  I like L names a lot for some reason, and when I saw Layla on a baby name list, I knew it was in the running.  Skip liked it, too, but he was not ready to commit to either until a week or so ago.  When we looked the name Layla up, it meant night and/or wine, which I found funny but not ideal for a meaningful name for your child.  Shylie is such a rare name that I couldn’t even find a meaning for it.  We were disappointed to find Layla in the top 50 baby names of the year, and we thought that was going to be what swayed us from Layla to Shylie.  We were both so bummed, however, that we decided we didn’t care if it was more popular than we thought and that being bummed could mean it was meant to be.

I wasn’t in nearly as big of a rush to settle on a name this go round.  Maybe there’s some detachment strategies going on unknowingly or something, I’m not sure.  I haven’t been consciously trying to remain detached, I just haven’t been in a rush to do as much as I was the first time.  Chasing a one year old could have something to do with it, too!  Anyway, with only eight weeks  or so to go, I wanted this baby to at least have a name and Friday night, we decided on Layla.  Then, on Sunday, as Skip was on his way to take Baby A for visitation, I get this text: “Layla, it is!”  Turns out as Skip was driving, he just felt this peace about the name and like we’d made the right choice.  So, her name will be Layla June Erdman.  I’ve had her middle name picked out for as long as I can remember.  Long before I ever really thought I would be the mama of a girl.  If the first name didn’t sound right with June, it didn’t make the list.  My Nanny was such an important part of my life and someone I want my daughter to feel like she knows even though they’ll never meet on this side of heaven. I also love the possibility of initial nicknames.  LJ and LE are both really cute to me, and LE are Levi’s initials and we’d talked about whether or not he’d ever be called by them.  Having a name to call her has made this whole pregnancy feel more real, so that’s a plus, too.

I guess I am finally starting to believe in this pregnancy.  Just today I had my 30 week visit and discussed a plan for induction. Monday, I had an “unplanned” ultrasound (The MFM had planned it, I had not!) and got some adorable 3D pictures of our girl.  Everything looks good, but my new MFM is very cautious and has scheduled me for ultrasounds every three weeks for the remainder of the pregnancy and NST (non stress tests) TWICE a week starting at 32 weeks.  I have a new MFM because the Women’s Institute at the hospital recently brought on a full time MFM.  I’d met with the last full time MFM for a consultation 10 weeks after losing Levi; I really liked him and he up and moved back to Michigan.  Then, rotating MFMs from the Charlotte practice would come to my office and see patients, so I saw two more MFMs around 20 weeks.  One, I liked, one, not so much.  So, in the past year, I’ve seen four MFMs when one is more than most pregnant mamas ever see.  Dr. Bower (my amazing OB) sent me to the new one because we wanted some back up on inducing at 37 weeks.  Without prompting, she offered her suggestion: induce between 37 and 38 weeks.  I was thrilled, AND, unlike several of the others I’d seen, she is not a stickler for an amino before induction, so that’s one thing I won’t have to do.  Inducing early does mean I’ll have an increased risk of having a C-section, and there’s a 1% chance her lungs won’t be fully developed and she’ll have to go to the NICU.  Stats haven’t historically worked in my favor, but I feel good about those odds.  I feel better about not going much past when we lost Levi (37 weeks, 3 days) than the other possible risks. 

The whole C-section thing threw me for a loop for a minute because the actual act of labor with Levi was kind of a breeze.  They began my induction at 7PM on a Friday and I delivered at 12:10PM on Saturday afternoon.  I just assumed that it would likely be the same way.  Dr. Bower explained to me today that since the baby’s health wasn’t at risk the last go round, I got higher doses of labor inducing drugs and that would not be the case this time.  There’s no reason to automatically assume I’ll have to have a C-section, but it is a risk she wanted me to be aware of.  She also said since she won’t be taking any chances, she would “cut you (meaning me) open at the first sign of distress.”  And that is why I love this woman!

I’ll start the NSTs on September 29th which is also the day of my 32 week check up and my next ultrasound.  I’ll go Mondays and Thursday or Tuesdays and Fridays every week from then until delivery.  Since they don’t schedule them later than 3:05PM, I’ll have to leave school five minutes before the bell, two days a week.  When I started getting a little frustrated making the appointments today, I reminded myself of how worth it they’ll be if they help get her here safely.  If someone had said all I needed to do was spend the last five weeks of my pregnancy in and out of the doctor’s office, and it would’ve prevented losing Levi, I would’ve gladly taken it.  So, I’m not going to complain about the monitoring or the extra attention. 

In case you’re wondering, the tentative plan for induction is to admit me Monday evening, November 3^rd and begin the induction.  Dr. Bower is on call on Tuesday and I should be ready to deliver by then.  I’ll be 37 weeks, 4 days on Tuesday.  We both feel comfortable with this. I’ll work until the previous Friday and go back to school the day before Christmas break.  It’s an early release day and a Monday, so I thought it’d be best to go back when lots of kids will be taking the day off and the day will be short, too!  I love a plan, but plans like these are scary, too.  It means I’m committed.  It means I believe I’ll need a substitute teacher for 6 weeks and that I’ll have a baby girl to bring home.  And while I really do believe it, it seems like a distance, far off goal and like I might be planning for someone who isn’t me.  It’s hard to explain.  If the last 8 weeks of this pregnancy go by as quickly as the first 29 and if NSTs take up as much time as it sounds like they will, I won’t have too much time for worry or fear, and that is just fine with me.  Come on, November 4th!       

These Days

I’ve been working on a post for the last few weeks chronicling the ever-eventful saga that is raising a stranger’s baby and falling so in love with her that you lose sleep, money, pride, and tiny pieces of your mind just to keep her a little longer.  I can’t post it.  It’s too much.  I can’t be as candid as I want to be and when I whittle it down, it’s just not me.  Most people know I am an open book, so ask me in person and you’ll get an earful!  But, instead of the “play by play” and accompanying emotions, I’m gonna try to get the gist out and move on to happier subjects to delight and entertain you J.

Just after Baby A’s first birthday, her mom informed us she was “going through some stuff” and wouldn’t be doing visitation for a while.  Less than a week later, she called to inform us that she would be taking her back full time the following week.  We were devastated and super unhappy with the uncertainty of her plans and the state of limbo in which she was willfully putting us.  With September looming in the background, I imagined our house, quiet and empty again, and pretty much cried every moment I wasn’t surrounded by people and sometime even when I was (including one breakdown in Target in front of parents of a student I’d had exactly one week).  Skip took over communicating with the mom because she responds much better to him.  I continued to cry and be a source of great worry for my friends and family who have worried about me enough in the past year to last a lifetime.  Emily tried to step back in and help “mediate,” but we realized that wasn’t really what the mom wanted either.  There have been so many plans and visitation schedules discussed in the past three weeks that I’ve lost track.  Instead of working, Skip has spent many hours on the phone with the mom or listening to me vent or calling attorneys.  I could not do this without him.  

For now, we think we have worked out an agreement with her mom, and she will be staying with us for a while longer.  February was mentioned, but as often as plans have changed lately, I’m not even penciling that in on the calendar.  The mom and her “sister” are going to come Tuesday and sit down and talk with us.  We are going to try to build a better relationship with the mom and get to know her and have her get to know us a little better.  That is not something I naturally would want to have happen, nor am I honestly looking forward to it, but it seems unavoidable.  She’s not looking to give us legal rights to Baby A anytime soon and we are not ready to give her up.  A custody battle would get ugly quickly because her biological father is in the picture just enough to not suck in the eyes of the law.  The attorney we spoke with sent us an email the other day that said, “we feel you are in serious predicament with no simple solution.”  Uh, ya think?! 

So, when people ask how things are going and how I feel, I’ve started comparing it to a roller coaster ride.  There’s a near constant knot in my stomach and my heart races every time we get a text or call.  But every time this little beauty learns something new like backing down the stairs or showing her tongue on command, I remember why we got in line for the ride. It’s magical, this parenting thing.  And just when I think the ride with bay A might be over, we start chugging up another hill and although I’m anxious, I am so glad we’re buckled in for the long haul. 

As for hitting the one-year milestone of losing our first precious baby, I’m still working on putting that into words.  And, as our new baby girl’s due date gets closer and closer, I’ve got a lot of new anxieties and excitements that hopefully I’ll find the time to write about, too.  If I could find a way to put more hours into the day, I think I could keep this blog more or less up to date!