These Days

I’ve been working on a post for the last few weeks chronicling the ever-eventful saga that is raising a stranger’s baby and falling so in love with her that you lose sleep, money, pride, and tiny pieces of your mind just to keep her a little longer.  I can’t post it.  It’s too much.  I can’t be as candid as I want to be and when I whittle it down, it’s just not me.  Most people know I am an open book, so ask me in person and you’ll get an earful!  But, instead of the “play by play” and accompanying emotions, I’m gonna try to get the gist out and move on to happier subjects to delight and entertain you J.

Just after Baby A’s first birthday, her mom informed us she was “going through some stuff” and wouldn’t be doing visitation for a while.  Less than a week later, she called to inform us that she would be taking her back full time the following week.  We were devastated and super unhappy with the uncertainty of her plans and the state of limbo in which she was willfully putting us.  With September looming in the background, I imagined our house, quiet and empty again, and pretty much cried every moment I wasn’t surrounded by people and sometime even when I was (including one breakdown in Target in front of parents of a student I’d had exactly one week).  Skip took over communicating with the mom because she responds much better to him.  I continued to cry and be a source of great worry for my friends and family who have worried about me enough in the past year to last a lifetime.  Emily tried to step back in and help “mediate,” but we realized that wasn’t really what the mom wanted either.  There have been so many plans and visitation schedules discussed in the past three weeks that I’ve lost track.  Instead of working, Skip has spent many hours on the phone with the mom or listening to me vent or calling attorneys.  I could not do this without him.  

For now, we think we have worked out an agreement with her mom, and she will be staying with us for a while longer.  February was mentioned, but as often as plans have changed lately, I’m not even penciling that in on the calendar.  The mom and her “sister” are going to come Tuesday and sit down and talk with us.  We are going to try to build a better relationship with the mom and get to know her and have her get to know us a little better.  That is not something I naturally would want to have happen, nor am I honestly looking forward to it, but it seems unavoidable.  She’s not looking to give us legal rights to Baby A anytime soon and we are not ready to give her up.  A custody battle would get ugly quickly because her biological father is in the picture just enough to not suck in the eyes of the law.  The attorney we spoke with sent us an email the other day that said, “we feel you are in serious predicament with no simple solution.”  Uh, ya think?! 

So, when people ask how things are going and how I feel, I’ve started comparing it to a roller coaster ride.  There’s a near constant knot in my stomach and my heart races every time we get a text or call.  But every time this little beauty learns something new like backing down the stairs or showing her tongue on command, I remember why we got in line for the ride. It’s magical, this parenting thing.  And just when I think the ride with bay A might be over, we start chugging up another hill and although I’m anxious, I am so glad we’re buckled in for the long haul. 

As for hitting the one-year milestone of losing our first precious baby, I’m still working on putting that into words.  And, as our new baby girl’s due date gets closer and closer, I’ve got a lot of new anxieties and excitements that hopefully I’ll find the time to write about, too.  If I could find a way to put more hours into the day, I think I could keep this blog more or less up to date!