One Year Later

Mom has the pukes, so I am home with Layla today.  She’s been down for her afternoon nap almost an hour, so I’d bet money (if I wasn’t fresh out) that I won’t get very far with this before I hear little noises through the monitor.  Today has been a little chaotic, but it has reminded me of how lucky I am to have a mama that relishes keeping our baby girl.  When she called at 6:30AM, I was relieved it was just a stomach bug and nothing more serious.  Skip and I discussed options, but decided I would just keep her, and we’d venture to school after her morning nap. 

My new-to-me car is in the shop, so I am driving my OLD-TO-ME Altima while it’s being fixed.  I’d only had my new-to-me car seven weeks before burying its front bumper in a ditch leaving church, but I’d already gotten used to the perks of a newer car, like headrests to hold my Kindle for Layla and a CD player that will play Laurie Berkner.  The ride to school is 20 minutes, so during her nap, I braved the cold and Jerry-rigged the Kindle to the seat with an assortment of bungee cords Skip got for Christmas-Thanks Rich!  She traveled well and smiled pretty for my school peeps and I got very little done before it was time to meet Drew for lunch.  Again, she smiled pretty and attracted many compliments from the patrons of the restaurant.  Oh and she emptied half her squeeze pouch in Drew’s lap (good thing she owns a clothing store!) before we headed home. 

After we got home, I checked with mom who, unfortunately, did not think she’d be able to keep Layla tomorrow.  I texted a few people and initially everyone who responded was unavailable.  Christi was available but also recovering from Strep Throat, so she was an option but a slightly less appealing one.  Skip was just about to cancel his meeting and keep Layla himself when my very first daughter, Alanna, texted back that she could keep her.  Alanna was the first student I claimed for my own and she’s great with kids!  Problem solved!  I can start second semester tomorrow without worrying about Layla. 

As we were playing in Layla’s room before her nap, I opened Timehop and could not believe that the significance of the date had slipped my mind amidst the weirdness of today.  One year ago today, I got in my car and waved goodbye to my first baby girl.  It feels impossible that it was a year ago. When I let myself remember all that went into her leaving, my chest tightens and my eyes well up like it was yesterday.  I try not to “go there” too often because I’ve worked so hard to forgive her mother and form a relationship with her, and thinking about all the hurt she caused us makes that tough.  I try not to feel like only a means to an end for her even still as I work to stay in Amoura’s life. 

Just this week, through a series of emails, I learned that both Amoura and her baby sister were in Charlotte with her sister’s father and that her mama had no way of getting them back to her in Winston.  Apparently, they’d been there for two weeks and he didn’t have gas money and she doesn’t drive, so they were kind of at an impasse.  She’d let the girls go with him because she had no one to watch them while she worked (he doesn’t work-shocker).  What I thought was going to be a fun couple of days with all of them at our house exchanging Christmas presents and catching up turned into Skip and I leaving Layla with mom after dinner Monday night and driving to the other side of Charlotte and straight to Winston to drop the girls off.  I felt totally used and unappreciated but what else could I do?  The mom in me just could not ignore her request to help her get her children back to her.  The ma-ma to Amoura in me could not pass up a chance to hug that sweet child even if it was just while getting her in and out of a car seat. 

I saw a picture on Face.book the other day that was a spin on the typical Foster care to Adoption pictures.  It was a birth mom getting her daughter back after 252 days.  The blog explained that the mom got her life together and the foster mom and birth mom forged a friendship.  The foster mom was so proud of the birth mom and that made it easier to let the sweet baby girl go back to the woman who gave birth to her.  When I got finished reading it, I wasn’t inspired, I was just sad and jealous and angry that our story did not turn out that way. 

The truth is, Amoura’s mom is in no better shape now than she was when she dropped off her 8 month old at our house almost two years ago.  Yes, she has a (part time) job.  But she still has the same childcare issues she needed us to help with then.  She doesn’t have a steady cell phone, she doesn’t appear to be any closer to getting her license, not to mention her GED, and she and the girls live in a two bedroom apartment they share with her friend and her boyfriend and their (monster of a) three year old.  I know the girls are clothed and fed and there’s a roof over their heads, but its just so vastly different from the life I want for Amoura that I try not to think about it too often.  It leaves me feeling so weepy and helpless and angry that it’s just best if I pretend like things are different. 

It’s harder to pretend now that I‘ve been to their apartment.  Amoura cried and cried when we got close to the apartment and she realized where she was going.  I don’t think she’s being neglected or abused or anything like that. I think she thought she was going to our house and she likes being away from their rundown apartment and the chaos that undoubtedly fills it. It’s hard to not wonder who will keep the girls when their mama goes back to work on Friday.  The plan is for her friend to keep them, but she works long hours and has the (monster of a) three year old.  It’s taken everything in me (and the understanding that Skip might kill me) not to ask for her back.  Supposedly, once she works enough hours she can get daycare vouchers and the girls can go to daycare.  The thought of Amoura going to daycare 10 hours a day used to frighten me; now, it would help me sleep at night.

I started writing this afternoon just to honor the day and show appreciation for those who are so willing to help us when we need it with childcare and so faithful to still ask about Amoura.  I’ve been hesitant to share too much about her because, well, it’s just sad.  But, I know many of you who prayed for us last year while as we said “see ya later” will pray for her now.  Pray for her living conditions, pray that daycare vouchers come through soon, pray that we would be willing to help in whatever way God intends on using us (and I know He’s not done using us in this!) and that Skip and I would be on the same page.  Pray for people in her area to come into their lives and speak truth and be a constant support for them. 

I wrote in a co-worker's shower card today that it takes a village, and no one knows that better than us.  Thank you for being our village and praying for us and our girls.