Glow

One of the online gems I stumbled upon shortly after Levi died was glowinthewoods.com.  It’s a website “for babylost parents.”  The first time I visited the site, I couldn’t handle it.  I was devouring Brooke’s blog and Larissa’s too, but glow was just TOO sad.  And, I was already sadder than I thought humanly possible and just couldn’t bear the sadness of so many other mamas grieving the same as me in one place. 

I guess about six weeks after I first visited the site, I tried it again.  I’ve probably checked into glow (much like people do Facebook) once a day ever since.  I’ve gotten to know these mamas who know how I feel.  I’ve asked questions and been comforted.  I’ve learned the names of their lost babies and checked in on certain days with fingers crossed only to hear how yet another round of IVF has come and gone without a BFP.

Since I’m pretty perceptive, it didn’t take me long to realize like the Sesame Street song says, “one of these things is not like the other one “ and I am the “one thing.”  As far as I can tell, I am one of the only parents on the forum who did not let losing her baby make her lose her faith in God.  This week, one mom wrote about how her experience caused her to not stop believing in God, but to start hating Him for what he allowed to happen.  Many others commented on the post that they too either no longer believe in His existence or want nothing to do with Him since their babies died.  As I read their comments, my fragile heart just broke for them.   Don’t get me wrong, I totally get how an experience like this can cause doubts.  Although I (thankfully) did not ever get really angry with God, I can understand how people do.   What I cannot understand is how you survive this without Him. 

I’ve attempted (without success) several times to articulate in a blog post here about how my faith has remained intact.  All of my previous attempts ended up sounding (to me) like I was taking the credit.  I don’t want to pat myself on the back for not turning mine on God.  Every time someone tells me how strong I am, I just cringe because I do not feel strong at all.  I feel the weakest of the weak who’s grabbed hold of something so strong that it’s somehow enough.

I just had to respond to those sweet mamas who do not have the hope I possess.  I’d been kind of tiptoeing around the subject and just mentioning I was praying for them, but I could not ignore these posts and keep loving on these women every day.  So, I responded.  I spoke from the heart without drafting or rewriting, a rarity for me.  What I shared on the forum, I want to share with you all here, too.

Losing my baby did not cause me to turn my back on the God I believe in. There have only been a few moments that I've actually felt some kind of anger towards him since Levi died. Complete confusion, yes. A total lack of understanding, sure. But, He is God and I am not. The Bible that I believe says that His ways are higher than my ways. His plans are greater than mine. I will never understand why this had to happen to me and not to the half dozen teenage girls I see waddling down the hall every morning (NOT that I'd wish this on them either!). But, the God I believe in gave up a son, too. He knew him and he loved him and he watched him die a cruel death he did not deserve, and he did it for me. Anything good, any blessings I get are just icing on the cake for Him saving me from Hell. 

I can TOTALLY understand why loss like we've all experienced shakes and sometimes demolishes the foundations of one's faith. How could it not? I don't think God cares so much if I question His choice in taking my son away from me. I think He knew I would question. I think He hoped I would turn to Him for comfort. I think He'd like to see me use this tragedy to bring attention to His goodness. And I know that the faith of others who've experienced the same thing has influenced me greatly. They chose to continue to trust in God even after their loss and months/years later, they believe they are better for it. I think my faith and continued relationship with God has kept me from falling apart. I am sad, I am jealous of those with living breathing babies, but I am happy to be alive and trying to live each day to the fullest, sometimes I even succeed in doing so.