'Twas the Night Before...

It’s the night before we find out if Baby Erdman is a boy or a girl.  All day, people have asked me to text them tomorrow or let them know “ASAP” and it’s taken a minute for me to realize to what they were referring.  I guess it’s only natural to compare subsequent pregnancies to the previous one, no matter what the outcome of the first one was, and this one is no different. 

Ironically, we had our anatomy scan for Levi on a Monday, too.  I remember so vividly sitting in the floor on a Sunday afternoon with pink and blue paper crafting banners we would hold for pictures just after finding out.  I thought from the time we found out I was pregnant that Levi was a boy. Skip’s family is full of boys (he’s got three -awesome- brothers) and so I’d always thought that we’d have boys, too.  A few days before our ultrasound, I started thinking maybe it could be a girl.  While I made the girl banner, I envisioned all these cute outfits and bows and having a relationship with my daughter like I have with my mama.  And if I’m being honest, I kind of wanted a girl.  But then, the moment the tech put the warm jelly and “baby looker thingy” on my belly, we saw that it was indeed a boy.  I was a little shocked at my lack of disappointment.  I was gonna be a mama to a boy!  We look the picture below and told the world about our boy. 

And this time (how many times will I write this?) is just different.  Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to tomorrow.  I am NOT entertaining the notion of NOT finding out (sorry, Christi).  Wondering if this baby is a boy or a girl is just not consuming my thoughts like it did last time.  The baby in general is not consuming my thoughts.  I could blame/thank Baby A for that, and to some extent she does deserve credit for being welcome distraction, but when I am real with myself, I know that my mind is just trying to protect my heart.  All I know about having a baby is delivering a dead one.  The last “routine” test I had for this little bean led to other tests to rule out serious chromosome disorders.  I feel like proceeding with caution is a smart thing to do.

Many babyloss moms choose not to find out the gender in their subsequent pregnancies.  I thought, at first, that this was more to make the statement, “we don’t care what it is as long as it’s healthy,” but since I’ve been pregnant again, I think it’s more of a guarding your heart type thing, especially for those who found out with their firsts.  I get the second thought, I really do, it’s just not something my personality will allow me to do.  I also don’t care what it is, as long as it’s healthy, but I also want to know since I can know.  And, in the interest of full disclosure, we sort of do have preference.  We are so in love with this little girl that has invaded our hearts and our home, and we would be happy to have another one, but we’d also love to be able to use all the little boy stuff that’s been on hold since September.  We know this little one is not going to replace the little one we lost, and we don’t want him/her to.  We just think it’d be really cool to watch a little boy grow up and imagine what it might’ve been like to watch our first one grow up,too.

To-do List

A few days before summer break officially started, I made myself a “to do” list.  I’ve been working on it since Monday and thanks to a Nanny who insists on keeping Baby A in a routine this summer, I’ve gotten some time home without a baby girl underfoot.  I cannot explain the satisfaction I feel every time I get to erase a task from my list (in the notepad on my phone).  Today I got to erase: organize my closet, book our summer vacation, and clean out Baby A’s “too small” clothes.  I also got some cleaning done and made a few new recipes.

I have been really excited about these recipes, so I’ll share a little more detail.  Monday, Baby A and I went to visit Jenilee and her girls for the day.  She had banana breakfast cookies that Baby A really liked and are healthy and a good finger food for her.  I made those yesterday and they’ve been a big hit!  They’re basically bananas, oats, applesauce, raisins and cinnamon. I may or may not have eaten a few of these myself.  Jenilee also shared some “energy bites” with me for “dessert” after lunch and I knew right away I wanted to make those, too.  They’ve apparently been all over Pinterest for a while, but I’d somehow missed them.  They’ve got honey and peanut butter, so they’re not for the baby, but Skip loved them and I do, too. They’re filling and sweet enough to satisfy a sweet tooth, but I don’t feel guilty eating a few.  I’ve also cooked dinner every night this week.  That wasn’t on my list, but it’s something I really enjoy doing and summertime gives me a little more time to prepare.

Organizing my closet was another major accomplishment today.  For one thing, it’s always a major task when I’ve let it go for so long but today, I put out my maternity clothes as I was cleaning out.  This was the second time I’d been into the box of clothes I wore while carrying Levi.  It was a lot easier this time than the last.  I separated them into piles of things I can use this go around and things that won’t work with the seasons.  I even got a little excited about a few things I’d really liked last summer.  There are a few things that made it into the closet that I am not sure, when the time comes, that I’ll actually wear them.  The only thing that I absolutely know I cannot wear is a V-neck purple t-shirt that I wore most frequently last summer.  It’s what I was wearing at my last doctor visit and what I walked over to the hospital in to start what would be the worse days of my life.  It’s really nothing special, but it’s cute and comfy and brings with it too many memories that I can’t walk around wearing.

Once I was done with my closet and feeling all accomplished, I set out to sort Baby A’s clothes.  We’ve had her for 11 weeks (more on my insane love for and attachment to this baby girl later) and she’s already outgrown so many of her clothes.  I’ve always heard moms talk about the pile up of clothes and now I believe it!  We were so blessed to have been given a lot of clothes for Baby A, but we’ve got sizes from 3 months to 18 months!  They were beginning to pile up and I was missing things that fit because they were hidden by wintery pants or shirts that are too small.  We still have all of the baby boy clothe we got for Levi in drawers in the nursery, so there’s a limited amount of space for things we’re not using.  If we indeed find out on Monday what our new baby is, I’ll either keep the baby boy clothes or move more stuff around to make room for more girl stuff, stay tuned!

Probably the most exciting part of my day was booking our summer vacation.  I spent most of my time administering exams the last week of school and looking for vacation spots.  Because of our current circumstances (baby, baby on the way, budget, business etc.) we had to be picky: within driving distance, books partial weeks, beach location, and resort feel were “must haves.” I found a few places that were (barely) within our budget. We decided on Hilton Head Island and I set my heart on this one particular resort (Sontesta is the name, FYI).  A friend of mine was going to try to hook us up with a corporate discount, so I put of booking the resort for a few weeks (that’s how it ended up on the to do list!).  When I didn’t hear back from the discount, I decided we better book something.  Much to my dismay, the resort I had my heart set on was now $60 more A NIGHT!  It was barely in our price range before, and now, there was no way.  I pouted to Skip and looked over and over at travel sites and rates- still $300 a night and not a possibility for us.  So, today in between my cleaning, I Googled the resort and a “vacation deal” site appeared.  I recognized right away that it was a promotion that required a time-share walk through.  I called the resort directly and verified that the deal was legit, and texted Skip (in a business meeting) to see if he thought it was worth it.  His response was humorous and true, “timeshare walk-throughs are kind of our thing.” So, long story short less long, we’re going to the resort I set my heart on and will be saving about $400 bucks in exchange for 90 minutes of our time and a little bit of our dignity.  Totally worth it!

So, as you can tell, my summer is off to a fabulous start!  This post feels a bit like a “How I spent my Summer Vacation” essay, and this is just one day!  There’s a lot wrong with public education but there’s one thing that, in my opinion, is still exactly right: summer vacation! 

Hello Summer

As I sit here administering an exam on one of the last days of school, I am filled with memories of one year ago.

I remember so vividly this time last year.  My goal was to make sub plans for two units during exam week.  I was only marginally successful, but I didn’t care, I was pregnant!  I had to come back in August, endure four weeks max of school and spend the rest of the semester at home with a new baby.  I had maternity bathing suits and pool tags in hand.  Mom had just retired and we had lots of fun little trips planned. Our little boy had a name and would soon have the coolest nursery I’ve ever seen (thanks to my amazing in laws).  It was the best time in my life, a truly magical summer.  Skip was working from home and we ate breakfast together every morning and went to doctor appointments and spent a week in Palm Beach.  In all my summer pictures, I was tan and round, and oh so happy.  I had showers on the calendar and gift cards to spend.  I was going to be a mama.

And then I wasn’t.  Or at least, not in the way I had planned.  And this year has taught me so much about who I am.  About who my husband is.  About who my real friends are.  About what I can survive and even thrive in spite of.  And I wouldn’t change the experience of last summer or my first pregnancy for anything. In spite of knowing that Levi would not ever see that nursery, I would do it all again.  It’s a part of me. It’s the most painful part of me, but those memories are mine alone.  

So as I’m watching these seniors take their last exams and so full of excitement for the days to come, I’ve realized I want this summer to match last summer.  I not only have a baby to look forward to, I have an almost 10 month old I adore who is about to experience her first summer and in true Erdman fashion at that!  My blogger friend/idol Brooke wrote recently about her joy and grief over planning a 2^nd birthday party for her rainbow baby. This quote has stayed with me since reading it and it describes perfectly the way I feel about facing embracing this summer, “Grief and joy are not a two sided coin, I don’t choose one or the other.  I carry them both with me always.”   Isn’t she good? 

So, I’m glad I don’t have to choose.  I know that there will be many things that happen this summer that will remind me of the way things should have been.  Baby A is a wonderful blessing, but sometimes she reminds me of the little boy who should be crawling around and insisting on watching daddy grilling on the porch.  I love being pregnant, but when I can’t enjoy a cocktail at a cookout or buy much of anything at Drew’s new boutique, I remember that this summer should be different.  Just last week, I got out my maternity clothes and had a good cry.  I was not ready to see all the things that I wore when I was carrying Levi.  I think that’ll get better, but there are a few outfits I love that I know I won’t be able to wear without being overcome by sadness.  So grief and joy will be a part of this summer.  And I’m mostly okay with that.  I’ve gotten pretty good at letting joy prevail, and I have a lot to look forward to. We’re taking Baby A to the beach with my family in a few weeks, and as of June 13^th, I will be “unemployed” for almost 10 weeks.  Skip is sill working from home, so I’ll get to see more of him.  We find out the gender of this little rainbow baby on June 23^rd.  I know this summer will be different.  Everything has been different since losing Levi.  But, I am okay with different.  Hello summer!

Reality Check

I have never been so happy to see the sun set.  This morning started like any other Monday, except that it’s the next-to-last Monday before school’s out for summer (I sang those last words as I typed them.  I hope you sang them as you read.).  I checked my phone during first block because Skip often has questions in the morning while he’s dressing Baby A for the day.  Just last week he sent her with mom in a sun hat AND a bow, so, you know, he needs guidance.  He’d sent me this adorable video of her babbling this morning whilst still in her jammies.  As I was watching, the head of Rise Up called me.  I couldn’t answer in the middle of class, so I sent it to voice mail and went back to teaching.  A few minutes later I checked to see if she’d left a message and found a text from her, “please call me ASAP, it’s urgent.”  I excused myself to the hall and called right away.

Aimee informed me that Baby A’s mom was being asked to leave the house where she’s been staying and that she would be coming to get Baby A by this evening.  I lost my mind.  I cried the ugly cry.  I’ve been back at work for 7 months and have managed not to ugly cry and 30 seconds into this phone call, I was balling. And begging and pleading with someone who has very little control to please leave this precious baby where she’s being well loved and taken care of.  Aimee had not gotten ahold of Emily, so I started calling her over and over all the while crying my eyes out and most definitely not doing my job.  Megan declared that I must go home and tell my mom and not cry in front of my classes, so as she’s had some practice doing, she began making plans to get my classes covered.  I was headed home by 9am to spend what I was afraid was going to be my last day with this little girl that I am so in love with.

I called Mom on the way and assured her that I was physically okay and so was my baby, but that Baby A was being taken tonight.  I talked to Aimee again who just wanted to prepare me for the worst.  She’s taken in a child in a similar situation and it did not end well, so she just wanted to prepare me.  About half way home, Emily called and I filled her in on what I knew. After a few more phone calls, she had the whole story and was trying through tears to reassure me that she did not think that Baby A’s mom would want to take her back tonight.  After Aimee basically guaranteed me that she would want her back tonight, I had a hard time trusting her.  Whether she came and got the baby tonight or not, I knew that the dynamic of the situation would be changing and I was still really scared.  Skip came by on his way to shoot to tell Baby A bye just incase she was gone before he got home from work.  Thankfully she was outside with mom and I didn’t have to witness this.  When mom told me about it, I fell all to pieces again.

Then we waited.  And prayed.  And cried.  Baby A played and slept, and remarkably mom and I slept when she did.  Emily met with Baby A’s mom and although plans are very, very tentative for her future living arrangements, she did not want to come get our girl tonight.  I haven’t gotten much more than a text or two as they are still trying to figure some things out.  Skip and I realize that we are probably going to have to step up and take more of a leadership role in her mom’s life if we hope to 1) keep Baby A and 2) ever feel comfortable about sending her back to her mom.  More than anything, today was a wake up call.  As much as I have tried not to get overly attached and as much as I have known that she will go back to her mom one day, I realized today exactly how hard it will be when that day comes.  It will be easier if her mom is in a good place to take her back and if she has a home and a plan for child care and all the ideals are in place.  But it will still be hard.  There will always be a part of me that feels like another one of my babies should be with me but is not.  And I knew all of this before we accepted this challenge.  I knew it would be hard and I know (because we have survived everything else) that we will survive it, too.  It’s just so easy in the midst of bath time and putting her in cute bathing suits and laughing at her funny faces that she’s ever going anywhere.  Today was a very big reality check that one day, hopefully not until her mom is in a much better place, that she will be leaving us.

**I feel the need to add a disclaimer that Baby A’s mom is not involved in alcohol or drug abuse of any kind.  The house where she was staying (for good reason) has very strict rules and she violated a rule.  They have a very low/zero tolerance policy and a waiting list that doesn’t allow for second chances.  Nothing that she did makes us fear her ability to be a good parent.  Not receiving the additional help from the housing program could delay her progress.  Please join us in praying her success as she continues to try to better herself.