Hello Summer

As I sit here administering an exam on one of the last days of school, I am filled with memories of one year ago.

I remember so vividly this time last year.  My goal was to make sub plans for two units during exam week.  I was only marginally successful, but I didn’t care, I was pregnant!  I had to come back in August, endure four weeks max of school and spend the rest of the semester at home with a new baby.  I had maternity bathing suits and pool tags in hand.  Mom had just retired and we had lots of fun little trips planned. Our little boy had a name and would soon have the coolest nursery I’ve ever seen (thanks to my amazing in laws).  It was the best time in my life, a truly magical summer.  Skip was working from home and we ate breakfast together every morning and went to doctor appointments and spent a week in Palm Beach.  In all my summer pictures, I was tan and round, and oh so happy.  I had showers on the calendar and gift cards to spend.  I was going to be a mama.

And then I wasn’t.  Or at least, not in the way I had planned.  And this year has taught me so much about who I am.  About who my husband is.  About who my real friends are.  About what I can survive and even thrive in spite of.  And I wouldn’t change the experience of last summer or my first pregnancy for anything. In spite of knowing that Levi would not ever see that nursery, I would do it all again.  It’s a part of me. It’s the most painful part of me, but those memories are mine alone.  

So as I’m watching these seniors take their last exams and so full of excitement for the days to come, I’ve realized I want this summer to match last summer.  I not only have a baby to look forward to, I have an almost 10 month old I adore who is about to experience her first summer and in true Erdman fashion at that!  My blogger friend/idol Brooke wrote recently about her joy and grief over planning a 2^nd birthday party for her rainbow baby. This quote has stayed with me since reading it and it describes perfectly the way I feel about facing embracing this summer, “Grief and joy are not a two sided coin, I don’t choose one or the other.  I carry them both with me always.”   Isn’t she good? 

So, I’m glad I don’t have to choose.  I know that there will be many things that happen this summer that will remind me of the way things should have been.  Baby A is a wonderful blessing, but sometimes she reminds me of the little boy who should be crawling around and insisting on watching daddy grilling on the porch.  I love being pregnant, but when I can’t enjoy a cocktail at a cookout or buy much of anything at Drew’s new boutique, I remember that this summer should be different.  Just last week, I got out my maternity clothes and had a good cry.  I was not ready to see all the things that I wore when I was carrying Levi.  I think that’ll get better, but there are a few outfits I love that I know I won’t be able to wear without being overcome by sadness.  So grief and joy will be a part of this summer.  And I’m mostly okay with that.  I’ve gotten pretty good at letting joy prevail, and I have a lot to look forward to. We’re taking Baby A to the beach with my family in a few weeks, and as of June 13^th, I will be “unemployed” for almost 10 weeks.  Skip is sill working from home, so I’ll get to see more of him.  We find out the gender of this little rainbow baby on June 23^rd.  I know this summer will be different.  Everything has been different since losing Levi.  But, I am okay with different.  Hello summer!