Reality Check

I have never been so happy to see the sun set.  This morning started like any other Monday, except that it’s the next-to-last Monday before school’s out for summer (I sang those last words as I typed them.  I hope you sang them as you read.).  I checked my phone during first block because Skip often has questions in the morning while he’s dressing Baby A for the day.  Just last week he sent her with mom in a sun hat AND a bow, so, you know, he needs guidance.  He’d sent me this adorable video of her babbling this morning whilst still in her jammies.  As I was watching, the head of Rise Up called me.  I couldn’t answer in the middle of class, so I sent it to voice mail and went back to teaching.  A few minutes later I checked to see if she’d left a message and found a text from her, “please call me ASAP, it’s urgent.”  I excused myself to the hall and called right away.

Aimee informed me that Baby A’s mom was being asked to leave the house where she’s been staying and that she would be coming to get Baby A by this evening.  I lost my mind.  I cried the ugly cry.  I’ve been back at work for 7 months and have managed not to ugly cry and 30 seconds into this phone call, I was balling. And begging and pleading with someone who has very little control to please leave this precious baby where she’s being well loved and taken care of.  Aimee had not gotten ahold of Emily, so I started calling her over and over all the while crying my eyes out and most definitely not doing my job.  Megan declared that I must go home and tell my mom and not cry in front of my classes, so as she’s had some practice doing, she began making plans to get my classes covered.  I was headed home by 9am to spend what I was afraid was going to be my last day with this little girl that I am so in love with.

I called Mom on the way and assured her that I was physically okay and so was my baby, but that Baby A was being taken tonight.  I talked to Aimee again who just wanted to prepare me for the worst.  She’s taken in a child in a similar situation and it did not end well, so she just wanted to prepare me.  About half way home, Emily called and I filled her in on what I knew. After a few more phone calls, she had the whole story and was trying through tears to reassure me that she did not think that Baby A’s mom would want to take her back tonight.  After Aimee basically guaranteed me that she would want her back tonight, I had a hard time trusting her.  Whether she came and got the baby tonight or not, I knew that the dynamic of the situation would be changing and I was still really scared.  Skip came by on his way to shoot to tell Baby A bye just incase she was gone before he got home from work.  Thankfully she was outside with mom and I didn’t have to witness this.  When mom told me about it, I fell all to pieces again.

Then we waited.  And prayed.  And cried.  Baby A played and slept, and remarkably mom and I slept when she did.  Emily met with Baby A’s mom and although plans are very, very tentative for her future living arrangements, she did not want to come get our girl tonight.  I haven’t gotten much more than a text or two as they are still trying to figure some things out.  Skip and I realize that we are probably going to have to step up and take more of a leadership role in her mom’s life if we hope to 1) keep Baby A and 2) ever feel comfortable about sending her back to her mom.  More than anything, today was a wake up call.  As much as I have tried not to get overly attached and as much as I have known that she will go back to her mom one day, I realized today exactly how hard it will be when that day comes.  It will be easier if her mom is in a good place to take her back and if she has a home and a plan for child care and all the ideals are in place.  But it will still be hard.  There will always be a part of me that feels like another one of my babies should be with me but is not.  And I knew all of this before we accepted this challenge.  I knew it would be hard and I know (because we have survived everything else) that we will survive it, too.  It’s just so easy in the midst of bath time and putting her in cute bathing suits and laughing at her funny faces that she’s ever going anywhere.  Today was a very big reality check that one day, hopefully not until her mom is in a much better place, that she will be leaving us.

**I feel the need to add a disclaimer that Baby A’s mom is not involved in alcohol or drug abuse of any kind.  The house where she was staying (for good reason) has very strict rules and she violated a rule.  They have a very low/zero tolerance policy and a waiting list that doesn’t allow for second chances.  Nothing that she did makes us fear her ability to be a good parent.  Not receiving the additional help from the housing program could delay her progress.  Please join us in praying her success as she continues to try to better herself.