Timehop

I’ve wanted to write about my love/hate relationship with Timehop for a while now. If you’re not a “timehopper” (a term I just made up), Timehop is an app that shares your previous statuses and/or pictures from exactly 1 year, 2 years, 3 years… as far back as you’ve been a smart phone user.  Sometimes, I wish it gave a little more detail, or that I had given more detail in my posts.  For instance, six years ago today I was, “thankful for Skip’s heart and willingness to love the things that I love just because I love them.”  What on earth could that have been on a Sunday night at 10:12pm six years ago? Five years and a lifetime ago, I completed the Couch to 5K program and ran a 32 minute 5K.  Four years ago, I was drinking dirty bananas at the Hilton Beach Bar in Myrtle Beach. Three years ago, I was at the Summer Slam/VBS finale after letting my summer class at RCCC out early.  I wrote, “I love being in charge,” so some things really never change!  Two years ago I was in Morehead City getting ready to watch Emily get hitched.  I was super tan and adorably pregnant (with Levi).  And last year, I was packing for the beach while an adorable little 10 month old played in my suitcase. 

Looking back, it always amazes me how much things have changed and for the most part, how much better they’ve gotten.  When Skip was loving the things I was loving six years ago, what he was NOT doing was proposing, the one thing I REALLY, REALLY wanted him to be doing.  A year later, I was running those miles to look better in my wedding dress.  When I was taking pictures of my pregnant belly in the inlet at the bridal luncheon, I had no idea that it would be Amoura and not Levi that I’d be taking to the beach the following year.  Sometimes, Timehop memories are hard.  They smack you in the face with unmet expectations and broken dreams you scroll through quickly so you don’t mess up your makeup.  Other times, like last week when 4 years ago I had rolled Nanny’s hair while she sat in her living room chair, the memories are more sweet than bitter and you open the app at least a dozen times just to relive some moments you’d long forgotten.

Time is a funny thing.  When we lost Levi, lots of well meaning people said “time heals all wounds” and while I think “all” is drastic and “heals” is subjective, for the most part, I agree.  I don’t really think you ever fully heal from the death of a child or any person you really love, actually.  I think there will forever be a sting when people ask how many kiddos we have or when naïve moms announce their pregnancies as if it is impossible that anything could go wrong.  Just this week, a woman on my crunchy mom Face.book page shared that her friend had lost a baby at 35.5 weeks pregnant and asked advice on how to be there for her.  I spent a few hours on memory lane reliving the saddest days of my life, so I could write a thoughtful response and hopefully help this friend meet some needs of this baby loss mom.  I got to respond by the glow of a baby monitor and the sound of Layla talking herself to sleep.  Time, in the last year especially, has been very good to me. 

The last six months alone have been a great illustration to me of time’s healing power and God’s divine purpose in only lighting the very next step on our paths for us.  On January 21^st, after 10 months of raising Amoura, we said goodbye to her.  We hadn’t been away from her more than two nights in a row since she came to stay with us and we had no idea when or if we would see her again.  It was three months before Mom and I saw her again and just under six before Skip got to see her.  I’ve already shared some of the details of their visit, so I’ll try not to repeat myself, but what happened is nothing short of a miracle.  It was the gracious work of The Father providing an incredible gift to his children.

I’d tried and succeeded for nearly a year to not develop a relationship with Amoura’s mother, Karria.  But, if I was ever going to have a relationship with Amoura again, I was going to have to mend fences with her mama.  Hate is a strong word, but I think for a while there I really did hate her. She was downright cruel to us on more than one occasion and had done a few things that while they had not really put Amoura in danger, they surely had not put her best interests first either.  For a while I couldn’t even pray about our relationship because I had absolutely nothing to say regarding her that I could say to the Savior; when I thought about the fact that He loves her just as much as he loves me, I didn’t really want to talk to Him anyway.  And then TIME PASSED and my heart healed a little.  All the while, I know others were praying, interceding on my behalf, and God was hearing their prayers.  I started praying for her mama and for something to change.  I sent a little care package in the mail for Amoura and included small gifts for her mama and her soon-to-be-born baby sister. And finally, nearly two months after Amoura left us and over 6 weeks after I’d had any communication with her, I got a text.  The lines of communication were open once again.  It moved slowly from there.  I longed to ask to visit her, but I knew the timing would have to be right and sensed that is wasn’t.  And then, she blew my mind- she’s been doing that on the regular since we met- and asked if we could come visit right after she had the new baby.  She was asking me if I would come see Amoura.  Mom and I went, and it was wonderful, but I longed to have her back in our home, even for a visit.  So when Skip had business in Atlanta a few weeks ago, I cooked up a plan to have him bring them back with him.  And, that’s exactly what happened.  They spent two nights and Karria and I spent plenty of one on one time and shockingly, it was not awkward at all!

If someone had told me six months ago that I would invite her into my home, cook meals for her and spend time just shooting the breeze with her, I would’ve looked closely for the hole in their head.  If there was an app for a year down the road, I would never have believed in June of last year that our time together would’ve happened like it did.  I never would’ve spent the time praying over our relationship, either.  If I had known then what I know now, I probably would’ve coasted through the past six months in eager anticipation.  Forgiveness and “fence-mending” don’t come easy for me.  It’s not really in my character to get chummy with someone who’s hurt me as deeply as she has.  The new relationship that’s forming is inarguable evidence of God working mightily in me.  I’ve gotta believe that He isn’t done using me in Amoura’s life and perhaps he wants to use me in Karria’s life as well. 

So, today, I am thankful for Timehop. Even though it reminds me of the younger/pre-crowsfeet/smile line/skinnier me, it’s also a great reminder that God has numbered my days and designed a perfect plan for every single one of them.