Mother's Day Recap

I’ve tried several times to write about Mother’s Day, but nothing has seemed to do it justice.  The weekend followed an incredibly stressful week.  I started the week with a nasty old that I promptly shared with the baby and the husband.  We attended a memorial service for Baby Kinsley on Tuesday, and Wednesday began our tumultuous planning for Baby A’s first weekend away from home.  Plus, my blogger friend/idol Brooke wrote a fabulous blog (check it out here) about Mother’s Day and everything I wrote seemed to pale in comparison of the eloquence with which she wrote.

So here’s a re-cap.  I came home Friday to find a lovely basket on the table and a very sweet card from Skip.  At first, I thought my date challenged husband thought that Mother’s Day was actually Friday. No, really.  Then, I read the card and realized that he was just early because he anticipated a busy weekend filming multiple weddings.  Let me tell you, the man could write for Hallmark.  I am still carrying around a card he gave me about a month after we lost Levi in my purse and I am thinking about doing the same with this one.  Anyway, the basket was full of fancy skin care products including self-tanner since I’ve sworn off the tanning bed and awesome bronzer that takes the paste off my face.  Rumor has it he had contemplated hiring a cleaning lady, but the makeup was just as nice…almost.  The present just validated the fact that Mother’s Day is a very difficult holiday for me (and many others for many reasons) but it is my holiday, too.

Friday night, Amoura and I took mom out for a Mother’s Day (weekend) dinner.  It was a meager gift comparatively, but we had a really nice time.  Between the sickness and the craziness of the week, I didn’t even make time to get a card, but she didn’t care.  We spent most of Saturday together, too.  It feels so good to know that someone is always on my side.  Whether I am wrong or unreasonable or tooting my own horn, my mama agrees with me like it’s the gospel.  She worries with me over Baby A and is a bigger help than I could’ve hoped for with her, too.  We love her.  Hope this makes up for not getting that card!

Then Sunday came.  Church felt only slightly awkward.  It’s amazing the things I notice and the words that trigger heart palpitations now that never have before.  I could tell when our pastor was about to go into the Mother’s Day segment (the 67 or so children that filled the stage were a dead give away).  Our pastor eloquently spoke about all the various situations the females present could be experiencing, and therefore, all the women were asked to stand and given a commemorative pen by one of the little ones on stage.  Last year, I was pregnant with Levi and the word “stillbirth” was not in my vernacular, so I cannot remember what the schpill was like.  I just remember being giddy and un-jaded. But, this time didn't wholly suck.

The rest of the day was a blur of lunch with Skip’s family and anticipation of Baby A’s return.  My motherly instincts told me the pick up would not go smoothly and it didn’t.  When she didn’t come back on time, I spent about an hour thinking that, like the other little boy that made me a mama, I might never see her again.  But then the phone rang and the pick up time was changed, and I could breathe a little easier.  We took her home and gave her a bath and lots of extra snuggles before putting her to bed. 

And then Mother’s Day was over and I was never so happy to be going back to school on a Monday.   Just like when I went back after Levi, I needed to be somewhere that I was in control, where I have a say. It was a great Monday and just before it ended, a guidance counselor who I don’t know really well or have much reason to work with closely, walked into my room with a beautiful calla lily and a bright orange decorative watering can. Oh, and a Mother’s Day card.  She apologized for being late and told me to plant a little garden for “my Levi.”  Her words were music to my ears.  I so seldom have someone bring him up to me let alone call him by name, it was all I could do to hold back the tears.  The fact that 8 months later, she thought of me on Mother’s Day and went out of her way to acknowledge it for me left me speechless. 

All in all, I survived Mother’s Day.  I spent a lot of time missing the two babies who’ve made me a mama.  Thankfully, one of is now asleep upstairs, and I’d like to think that the other is running around heaven playing with his cousin, Kinsley.

Levi's Lily

Five Weeks Later

We’ve had Baby A five weeks today.  I’ve learned so much about parenthood in the last month.  I find myself wondering all the time if some of the things I’ve picked up on quickly because I have mom genes (not mom jeans-lol) and was already a mother before we got her or because necessity is a quick teacher.  I can say that I have learned the meaning of “it takes a village to raise a child.”  And I just love my villagers! 

What I have to remember and say to myself over and over again is that this is temporary.  In one sense, it’s a marvelous arrangement.  She’s in such a fun stage and we’re getting to watch her learn to walk, teach her to touch her nose on command, and hear the new words she’s learning to say (namely “da-da” and “na-na”).  But then, we won’t have to pay for braces or buy her first car, or float a loan to send her to college.  So why does it disappoint me to think about not being the one to do those things for her?

It’s funny the amount of people who want to know, “can you keep her?”  I am quick to answer “no” as much as a reminder for myself than anything.  We knew going into this that she would only be ours for a time.  We agreed to the very thing that stopped us from pursuing foster care- knowingly falling in love with a baby that will one day not live in our home.  It will be hard to give her back when the time comes, but it would’ve been harder to have said no to a situation that can’t be called anything else but a calling.  So, we hope and we pray and we are working towards a relationship with her mother that will always allow us to be in her life. 

Tomorrow will be her first overnight visitation with her mother since we’ve had her.  If I said I was looking forward to it, I’d be lying.  My reaction to this weekend arrangement has given me a tiny glimpse of how difficult it will be to one day give her back for good.  What I think (and pray) will be the difference is that her mom will be ready to take her back.  She’ll have a steady, dependable job.  She will have secured childcare and a stable, permanent roof to put over her head.  She’s not there yet.  The weekend arrangement is a bit precarious and the plans were not well, planned out originally and that caused me some serious anxiety.  Throw in the fact that this Sunday is Mother’s Day and this weekend has been a source of dread for me since earlier this week when I was told this would happen.  Skip and I are always saying that our motto has become, “we do hard stuff,” and this weekend will be no different.  We knew going into this that it was not going to be easy and it hasn’t been.  It has, however, been worth it. It has given us an experience that we’ve longed for, for so long.  We are parents, and we’re not half bad at it.