Five Weeks Later

We’ve had Baby A five weeks today.  I’ve learned so much about parenthood in the last month.  I find myself wondering all the time if some of the things I’ve picked up on quickly because I have mom genes (not mom jeans-lol) and was already a mother before we got her or because necessity is a quick teacher.  I can say that I have learned the meaning of “it takes a village to raise a child.”  And I just love my villagers! 

What I have to remember and say to myself over and over again is that this is temporary.  In one sense, it’s a marvelous arrangement.  She’s in such a fun stage and we’re getting to watch her learn to walk, teach her to touch her nose on command, and hear the new words she’s learning to say (namely “da-da” and “na-na”).  But then, we won’t have to pay for braces or buy her first car, or float a loan to send her to college.  So why does it disappoint me to think about not being the one to do those things for her?

It’s funny the amount of people who want to know, “can you keep her?”  I am quick to answer “no” as much as a reminder for myself than anything.  We knew going into this that she would only be ours for a time.  We agreed to the very thing that stopped us from pursuing foster care- knowingly falling in love with a baby that will one day not live in our home.  It will be hard to give her back when the time comes, but it would’ve been harder to have said no to a situation that can’t be called anything else but a calling.  So, we hope and we pray and we are working towards a relationship with her mother that will always allow us to be in her life. 

Tomorrow will be her first overnight visitation with her mother since we’ve had her.  If I said I was looking forward to it, I’d be lying.  My reaction to this weekend arrangement has given me a tiny glimpse of how difficult it will be to one day give her back for good.  What I think (and pray) will be the difference is that her mom will be ready to take her back.  She’ll have a steady, dependable job.  She will have secured childcare and a stable, permanent roof to put over her head.  She’s not there yet.  The weekend arrangement is a bit precarious and the plans were not well, planned out originally and that caused me some serious anxiety.  Throw in the fact that this Sunday is Mother’s Day and this weekend has been a source of dread for me since earlier this week when I was told this would happen.  Skip and I are always saying that our motto has become, “we do hard stuff,” and this weekend will be no different.  We knew going into this that it was not going to be easy and it hasn’t been.  It has, however, been worth it. It has given us an experience that we’ve longed for, for so long.  We are parents, and we’re not half bad at it.