Two Years

The first Sunday School lesson I remember at Charity was about the Ebenezer stone.  Tara talked about what the stone represented and how it seemed not to be a tiny stone, but actually a big rock or boulder.  She told us how it was placed to serve as a reminder of the Lord’s deliverance.  She encouraged us to think of some times that God had delivered us and helped us through a dark time.  She passed out little stones for us to take with us. As I held mine, I thought about the miscarriage I had suffered through the previous month while my husband was a continent away and I’d slept over at my mama’s for support. I thought about my Nanny’s battle with cancer and the wreck that nearly claimed my cousin Brooke’s life when we were 19.  I took that little stone home and put it in my kitchen window.  I’ve looked at it probably a hundred times since that Sunday morning, and I looked at it a good, long time this morning while I was fixing Layla’s breakfast.

My firstborn should’ve been two years old this weekend.  We should have been planning a birthday party to outdo his first birthday party and scolding Nanny for buying too many presents.   I should know what it feels like to run my fingers through sweaty blonde toddler hair after he’s been playing outside with his daddy.  The terrible twos should be wreaking havoc on my house and my nerves.  Two years ago, that’s exactly how I envisioned this weekend would be. Two years and I still don’t understand why things didn’t happen the way we’d imagined them. 

What I do know is that life moved on from that hollow gut, abject misery that was September of 2013.   Slowly but surely the fog lifted.  I kept getting up and getting dressed and getting loved on by my husband and family and friends and one Saturday (I can’t remember which one but I know it was after the 27^th one at least) I stopped counting the weeks since his delivery.   My blogger friend/baby loss mom/ idol Brooke said she cried every day for an entire year after her baby, Eliza, died.  That wasn’t the case for me.  Oh, I cried plenty, mostly on the beautiful back roads to and from West Rowan High School. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sad for a year because I was, it was just that I was so busy with good things.  Good things that did not replace Levi, but softened my sadness and slowly began to replace my mourning with dancing. 

Fourteen months after I delivered Levi, I delivered Layla.  With one glaring exception, my delivery experiences were very similar.  I was induced early on Tuesday morning with Layla.  Dr. Bower delivered them both, Levi at 12:10PM and Layla at 12:16PM.  Skip was on one side and Megan was on the other for both deliveries and Mom was standing just behind Megan crying both times. Oddly enough, I remember a lot more about Levi’s delivery than I do Layla’s.  Maybe it’s because the only memories I have of Levi took place in that delivery room, and Layla makes new, lasting impressions on my memory (and my heart) every single day.  Maybe it’s because Levi’s delivery was my first experience; I’m not sure.  I’m grateful that, given the circumstances, my experience was as positive as it could be. 

And I am more than grateful for the opportunity to be Levi’s sister’s mama.  I don’t imagine that he would’ve been much like Layla.  I don’t know that I would be the same kind of mama I am to her if he hadn’t come first.  I realized a few months ago that I’d only prayed one prayer for Layla since she’s been born.  Every night before I laid her down in her crib, I held her close and I prayed to God that she would out live us.  And that was it.  For the first months of her life, the only request I made on her behalf was not really on her behalf at all, but a totally selfish petition.   While I was pregnant with Levi, I envisioned so many things for his life- what he’d enjoy, who he would act like.  Those things were hard to let go of when we couldn’t bring him home, so I spent my entire pregnancy with Layla trying not to do that and just praying she would survive.   And although I now have many hope and dreams and visions for her life, outliving me still seems like a pretty big priority, which I suppose is normal for all mamas and not just baby loss mamas like me.

For a while after we lost Levi, one of the things that made me the saddest was the feeling that I was forever going to be known as a baby loss mom.  I didn’t feel guilty or responsible for what happened, I just didn’t want to be pitied everywhere I went.  Two years later, I don’t think I am. What I hope I am for those that know me best is an Ebenezer stone of sorts. The Lord delivered us from the darkest days of our lives and put a new song in our hearts.  He loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, and you all know how much I love new clothes.   I hope I never forget to give Him praise for all He’s done for me. 

A Tale of two Breast Pumps

I’ve been meaning to write about my experience breastfeeding for a while (I’ve been meaning to write about a lot of things for a while :/) I’ve had a really great experience nursing, the first six weeks not withstanding.  Megan had been “coaching” me about breast feeding for years, but had somehow failed to mention that it HURTS LIKE A MOTHER- pun intended.  Once Layla arrived and I started nursing and complaining that it was killing me one suck at a time, everyone said to give it a couple of weeks.  Couple of weeks my rear-end!  Just when I thought it would never stop hurting, it did and ever since, it’s been pretty smooth sailing. 

When I went back to school in January and started pumping, I stayed a day ahead of Layla.  She ate about 6 ounces while I was at school and I pumped about 6 ounces every day.  I’d get a few extra ounces here and there but never built a huge supply like some moms I know.  I think the most I’ve ever had frozen at once was about 30 ounces, and that’s what I had when I went back to school two weeks ago.  The only difference is now Layla eats 10 ounces while she’s with mom and the most I pumped while at school last week was 5 ounces.  I’ve started pumping in the night again, something I stopped doing over the summer- not that Layla has stopped eating during the night because she most definitely has not! Last week I started eating oatmeal and mixing Brewer’s yeast in my oatmeal and in smoothies.  I’ve been able to make up the difference day by day with night pumping and extra pumping sessions after school.  I am still pretty concerned that I won’t be able to keep up long term.  Layla will be one (OH EM GEE) November 4^th and I am determined to nurse at least until her birthday.  So, when my pump died Friday morning at school, I kinda freaked out.

I bought my pump from Megan’s friend Elizabeth.  Megan used it with Dylan, who is now eight years old.  Elizabeth had used it the year before.  Before I used it, Elizabeth’s sister had used it, too, so this pump has logged a lot of miles. It’s an Ameda Purely Yours and I paid $50 for it.  I still remember when Megan brought it over while I was pregnant with Levi and showed me how to hook it up.  I thought I’d never be able to remember how to work the thing.  Now, I can hook the darn thing up in the dark, half asleep.  It stopped working once this summer-at 11:15PM on a night when I really needed to pump.  I yelled for Skip who had just gone to bed and he came to my rescue.  I’d spilled what I thought was a little milk in the pump bag earlier that day and it apparently had gotten into the mechanism.  Skip took the entire thing apart, cleaned the motor and by 11:45PM, I was back in the milk pumping business.  It’s worked like a top ever since.  Until Friday morning.   

I pump in my classroom with the door shut.  I have a little mini fridge behind my desk plugged into a power strip.  I plug my pump into the same power strip.  When I plugged it up Friday morning, nothing happened.  I made sure the switch on the power strip was set to ON and tried again. Nothing happened.  I’d just gotten water out of the fridge (and continued to get cold water out the rest of the day), so I figured the power strip was working just fine.  Megan suggested trying another cord and I actually had one that goes with my little speaker set to try. It wasn’t the cord.  I figured the pump was done for and found two on Craigslist each for $50.  I emailed both sellers and went about my business teaching.  I got a response quickly and this nice mama was going to let me pick up the pump from her porch since she wasn’t going to be home and drop the money in the mailbox.  Just after I asked for her address she offered to meet me at my work, which I thought was nice but odd considering she’d just offered to leave it on the porch.  I explained that I worked pretty far away from her home (in Concord) and right as I hit send, I got an email with her address where I could meet her to buy the pump.  Except the “her” was two hers.  I had been emailing two people about two different pumps for about an hour.  When you email a Craigslist seller, the email is generic and just a bunch of numbers.  This is what happens when you try to wheel and deal on Craigslist while teaching a subject you’ve been teaching for a total of four days. Anyway, I went with the lady who was willing to meet me half way, got a sweet teacher down the hall to cover the last 25 minutes of my class and headed out the door (with some very full ta-tas I might add).

On the way to meet, it hit me I would need cash.  I had $20, so I texted mom to see if I could borrow $30 from her to avoid stopping at the bank.  She, of course, had cash and said yes, so I stopped at her house, got the cash (and Layla) and kept going.  On the way, I decided to merge mom’s cash with mine and realized she’d just given me $26- a $20, a $5 and a $1. I figured she thought the $1 was another $5.  I decided I’d just tell the lady that I could write her a check for the rest or buy her something at the gas station.  Turns out, she was happy with $46 and didn’t mind being cheated.  I checked the pump with the car adaptor (like Megan told me to) and came home to get some relief.  The pump looked almost exactly like mine, but it just didn’t feel the same.  All my parts hooked up to the base easily and it got the job done, but it just felt different- and not as good as mine.  I decided to try mine at home since it was sitting right there, and wouldn’t you know, it fired up on the first try.  UNBELIEVABLE.  I said a few choice words, but I was SO glad it worked.  I now think something is/was wrong with the outlet I was using and feel pretty stupid for not checking that before buying a new pump.  In my defense, I was going on my water being cold indicating that my power strip was in working order.  The silver lining is now I can have one pump for home and one pump for school instead of looking like a pack horse carrying a pump, a purse, and a school bag to and from every day. And, I’ve never had a car adapter and now I do.  Skip is going to take the new-to-me pump apart and give it a tune up like he did my first one.

I should also share that when I got home, I found $4 in my pocket!  At first I thought it was from school and then I realized that it was the rest of the $30 that mom had given me and that I am the crazy one who cannot count and not her. The first week of school does some crazy things to teachers, let me tell ya!

It's Always Bikini Season Somewhere

A few weeks ago, Kimberly texted me and asked if the workout videos I had done from You Tube religiously for a few days before school was out were Bikini Body Mommy videos.  I said something witty about summer almost being over and “sweat shirt and jeans mommy” being more my speed.  But then, I did some research and I can’t believe I’m just now hearing about this girl!  She’s got four 90-day challenges on her own personal You Tube channel.  She’s got lots of stuff for purchase (cookbooks, meals plans, premium workouts, etc.) but TONS for free resources.  I signed up for a challenge on her website but then realized that you can just go directly to You Tube and access the videos there.

I’ve wanted needed to get back in a workout routine for a while, but the Forum where I went before Layla was born is just not an option.  It’s a 20 minute drive there and back and I’m just not willing to give that much time to traveling to and from the gym when it means taking it away from Layla, especially with the new school schedule which won’t put me home until close to 4:30 every day.  I did a good job getting in walks regularly this summer.  Kimberly and I met 3 mornings a week and walked 4 miles.  It was progress from nothing, but hasn’t done anything for my two-babies-in-14-months belly jiggle or my oh so out of shape arms. It also didn’t do anything for the number on the scale because I spent an impressive amount of time in the Starbucks drive thru and eating peanut butter straight out of the jar while binge watching The Good Wife. 

So, tomorrow morning at 6am, my alarm is going to go off and I am going to do Day One of the Bikini Body Mommy 90 Day Challenge 1.0.  I am NOT committing to 90 days straight because IMO, that’s insane!  I AM going to commit to 5 days a week.  I’ve written out a schedule and having some extra time in the morning is quite possibly the only positive of the school time change.  I should be able to get up at the same time I had to get up last year (6am) workout, shower, feed Layla, get ready, and even spend some time doing devotions before heading out the door at 7:30am. 

It’s gonna be tempting to hit the snooze button in the morning, but I am hoping that putting this out here will hold me accountable.  The first thing Briana (THE Bikini Body Mommy) suggests is getting an accountability partner for the challenge.  While I’m hoping Kimberly will join me, until she commits, this’ll have to do.  I also joined a Dietbet for the next 28 days.  If I lose 4 percent of my body weight in the next 28 days, I win!  This is my third Dietbet; I won $15 on the first one and $13 on the second.  Nothing motivates me quite like money, so the Dietbet is a good fit for me.  Now, all that’s left to do is set my alarm, submit my weight, and get to getting fit.  Wish me luck! 

Sold!

I’ve had a lot I wanted to write about lately but I have been too busy reading  playing with my baby  cleaning my house binge watching The Good Wife on Amazon Prime to get around to it.  I am only slightly embarrassed to say that since the beginning of the month, I’ve completed all of Season One and will knock out episodes 14 and 15 of Season Two before bed.  That’s a total of 40 episodes in just over three weeks.  Is there a contest I can enter or something?  But seriously, this show is SO good.  The episodes I’m watching now came out in 2009, so it’s even more enjoyable seeing some of the “old school” technology in use and references to things going on what seems like forever ago.

In between episodes, I’ve also been busy selling stuff.  Every so often, I get on this kick to see what I can sell.  Timehop reminded me yesterday that three summers ago, I sold $300 worth of Skip’s “old techy stuff” on Amazon.  Usually, my interest to sell is sparked by the desire to buy something else.  This time, I just wanted to de-clutter a bit.  I started with two cameras that were both in great condition but neither had been used in over a year.  We take 95% of Layla’s pictures with our iPhones.  Skip occasionally will get out his work cameras and snaps a few of the two of us (and I am always so impressed with the quality!).  Anyway, I posted about the cameras on Face.book and Skip’s Aunt Jane bought one of them; although I had several people offer to purchase the other, I worked out a trade deal with a mama friend of mine with an almost two-year old little southern-belle with fabulous clothes.  Rebecca is going to send me some of Georgia Grace’s awesome hand-me-downs and I am sending her the camera.  WIN-WIN!

From cameras, I moved on to cloth diapers.  I could write a whole post on cloth diapering (and I would, but let’s face it, there’s 6 seasons more to go!).  Bottom line, I love using cloth.  Mom washed them while I was in school, so I was a tad scared they’d lose their “charm” when I had to do the washing and line drying and stuffing, but they didn’t!  I bought two small lots of gently used cloth diapers while I was pregnant with Levi. I kept them and started using them with Layla, although they were mostly boy colors and patterns.  Some of them were just too bulky for our little runt and some were just too boyish, so I took some photos, posted in a cloth diaper Face.book group and my crunchy mama Face.book group and ended up selling them all.  I listed them as a lot- 14 diapers for $75- which was a great deal but they were more than a few years old since I’d purchased them used in 2013.  The first mom to show interest only wanted a portion of them and ended up taking 5 for $44.  I put the rest on Craigstlist and sold them for $50! (making almost $20 more than I'd hoped for!) To reward my efforts, I bought Layla 8 new Alva brand diapers in some really adorable patterns and still had some money left over!  (Side note: We started using cloth when Layla was 4 months old because she was so tiny she didn’t “fill out” a one-size cloth diaper until then.  She sleeps in disposable and we used them a little on vacation.  Tomorrow, I will have to buy disposables for the FIRST TIME since she was born almost 9 months ago.  We’ve been using diapers we got as shower gifts and had from preparations for Levi since she was born! I say that because when people see $75 for 14 diapers, it sounds expensive, but it’s so affordable- and even more so if you can resist the adorable prints and only buy what you NEED.)

The New Stash

Modeling one of my favorites

After my diaper victory, I decided to list a play yard (formerly known as a pack and play formerly known as a playpen).  We’d gotten it when we first got Amoura, and just never used it.  I listed it on Face.book on the Rowan County Yard Sale page and in my crunchy mom group and within 5 minutes, it sold for $25!  While I was listing on the yard sale page, I noticed a lady had some random cans of formula for sale along with some various baby items.  I had some formula that I’d been saving since Amoura’s formula days for when Kimmy got her baby.  When Quinn was born, I was glad to be able to give them 5 or so cans of formula, but still had some left that were different brands than she drank.  So, Saturday night, I took some pictures, checked the expiration dates and made a post on the Yard Sale page.  I woke up Sunday morning to a $h!+ storm on my post.  Apparently, selling samples is “illegal” (except it’s not) and several people with no dog in the fight and nothing better to do after midnight on a Saturday had commented about what a horrible person I was for selling formula and why didn’t I "pay it forward."  It was crazy.  I responded to one PM (private message) and explained the situation and why I even had the formula to begin with.  The lady was nice but still “didn’t feel right” buying samples.  It took all the class I had not to take those strangers to task about their judgmental comments.  It was five cans of formula, people!  Instead, I just deleted the post.  By Sunday afternoon, I apparently had been added to some “Buyers Beware” list of Rowan County.  I didn’t even know such a list exists, but I guess it does.  The play yard and five of Skip’s polo shirts are the only thing I’ve ever sold on there, so I think I’ll survive. 

I’d almost forgotten about selling the polo shirts! At the beginning of the summer, I spent about five minutes going through Skip’s closet grabbing shirts I hadn’t seen him wear in months years. I got his permission to sell them and posted them on the yard sale page.  I came in a little high for a yard sale (especially in Rowan County) so I got no hits.  While I was listing the formula, I adjusted the price (asking $20 instead of $30) and within a few minutes, someone offered $10.  I knew what Skip was gonna say- $10 isn’t worth the time it takes to meet- but I made the deal anyway and arranged a meeting.  Skip met the guy right after church on Sunday and exchanged five old shirts he was never going to wear again for a ten spot, and he even gave it to me when he got home! 

So, it’s been a great month for making a little cash in the Erdman household.   I feel compelled to add that I DO give things away.  Nice things.  Things that I could sell.  Much to my mother’s dismay, I gave away the swing Layla slept in at her house the first 5 months of her life because a teacher at school took in her niece and her newborn.  I take clothes to our clothes closet at church regularly.  I’m currently riding around a baby gate that a friend asked to borrow on Face.book and I mailed a cloth diaper “snappi” to a mom I didn’t even know for free (actually cost me a stamp!).  But sometimes, I like a little return on my investments.  We do a lot with a little around here.  We don’t use credit (except on Amazon Prime day-more on that later) and do not carry debt.  I’m proud of the way we save for what we want and how we manage our money.  It’s an adrenaline rush to post stuff for sale and watch for interest to pop up, and it’s nice to have extra money to spend on Layla some new clothes or on my next Target run.  I highly recommend trying your hand at online selling; you might make a buck, get blacklisted, or if you’re me, both!