The Best Rainy Weekend Ever

A little over eight months ago, Skip took Amoura out on our front porch and they waved at me as I drove away to work.  When I got home that afternoon, she was gone.  She’d been here virtually every day for 10 months and she was gone almost as quickly as she’d come.  I remember the night we realized she would definitely be leaving us.  I hadn’t cried that hard since we came home from the hospital without Levi.  I just could not imagine our lives without her in them.  And yet, we survived.  We moved on, pouring into the rainbow baby God had granted us and trying to remember how good He’d been to us. Emily offered lots of words of encouragement (she knew I blamed her for the circumstances surrounding Amoura’s leaving) and at the time, they made me mad.  I remember her saying that night and many times over that she was praying “God would redeem this situation and use it for His glory.”  When we pulled up to the apartments Friday afternoon in the pouring down rain to pick up our first baby girl, those words echoed over and over in my head.

Mom and I got to visit Amoura at her home in South Carolina a little over three months after she’d left us.  Skip wasn’t invited because he had not “made up” with her mom at that time.  It was a baby step and full of awkwardness, but we were back in her life and filled with hope for more visits to come.  In June, Amoura and her baby sister and their mom came and spent two nights with us.  It was the first time I’d really seen her mom parent her, and it was a relief.  Although she doesn’t have a good role model in her own mother and didn’t finish the 8^th grade, she wasn’t half bad at it.  We saw them again for a quick visit at Amoura’s birthday party, but I left feeling kind of cheated- the time was short and everyone was vying for her attention.  When they stopped by on their way back from a Labor Day visit, I got up the nerve to ask about a weekend visit.  Her mom said that would be fine and asked me to text her some dates that would work.  A few days later, we had a tentative plan and I spent the next three weeks trying desperately not to get my hopes up.  I’d made plans to see her once since they moved back to Winston and they’d fallen through.  On Friday morning when her mom texted me their address, I finally let myself get excited.

Although it rained ALL WEEKEND, we had a great time with that sweet little girl.  It took her a little while to warm up to us, but once we stopped at Chick-fila and started eating, she came alive.  I know I’ve said this before, but she and Layla have this unique affection for one another. She wanted to hold and hug Layla from the second we got out of the car.  She’s talking a lot now, so she also had no problem telling Layla “no” when Layla took a toy she was playing with or tried to stand up by pulling on her clothes.  She has been sharing a room either with another toddler or her mom and sister since she left us, so sleeping at night was pretty miserable.  The first night she and I slept up stairs and for half the night we were in our own twin beds with room to roll over should the urge strike.  The next night, however, she would not sleep without practically laying ON TOP of me and even then was restless.  After Skip came in from shooting a wedding and she heard him, she announced she wanted to sleep with “Sip.”  I lugged her, Layla’s monitor, my phone, both chargers, and our pillows downstairs and climbed into my own bed.  At 1:45AM, she finally sacked out for the night and at 1:50AM, Layla woke up for her early morning feeding.  It was my turn to provide breakfast for life group, so I got up a little after 7AM to start cooking. Thanks to a little help from my mama, I got all three of us to church on time.  It was wonderful to have Amoura back at our church.  SO, SO, SO many of our friends and church family prayed us through our time with her and the days following her leaving us; it was great to share her with them again. 

If someone had told me eight months ago that our relationship with Amoura’s mom would be what it is today, I wouldn’t have believed them.  There’s been so many times in the past year and a half that I’ve honestly thought I hated her.  I don’t think I’ve ever been hurt by another person as much as she’s hurt me.  I tried so hard when we had Amoura to wish her mother out of the equation.  When I would pray in that way, God would remind me every stinking time that He loves her just as much as He loves me.  She’s had a far rougher life than I can imagine and yet, she is a pretty positive person.  The things she does that drive me the most bananas really come down to the experiences and opportunities in life that I’ve been afforded and she has not.  And most importantly, in the best way she knows how, she loves Amoura just as much as I do.  So, we’re working on loving her, too.  She’s never learned to drive, so next week, we’re going to get her and both girls and bring them here for Skip’s School of Driving.  I’ll be sure to write about how it goes.  For now, I’ll leave you with some of my favorite pictures of our girls from this weekend. 

Isn't she just beautiful?

Bedtime sugars with Nanny.  

I LOVE Layla's little grin in this photo!

Amoura pushed Layla all over the house on her little cart.

Daddy's girls.

Two Years

The first Sunday School lesson I remember at Charity was about the Ebenezer stone.  Tara talked about what the stone represented and how it seemed not to be a tiny stone, but actually a big rock or boulder.  She told us how it was placed to serve as a reminder of the Lord’s deliverance.  She encouraged us to think of some times that God had delivered us and helped us through a dark time.  She passed out little stones for us to take with us. As I held mine, I thought about the miscarriage I had suffered through the previous month while my husband was a continent away and I’d slept over at my mama’s for support. I thought about my Nanny’s battle with cancer and the wreck that nearly claimed my cousin Brooke’s life when we were 19.  I took that little stone home and put it in my kitchen window.  I’ve looked at it probably a hundred times since that Sunday morning, and I looked at it a good, long time this morning while I was fixing Layla’s breakfast.

My firstborn should’ve been two years old this weekend.  We should have been planning a birthday party to outdo his first birthday party and scolding Nanny for buying too many presents.   I should know what it feels like to run my fingers through sweaty blonde toddler hair after he’s been playing outside with his daddy.  The terrible twos should be wreaking havoc on my house and my nerves.  Two years ago, that’s exactly how I envisioned this weekend would be. Two years and I still don’t understand why things didn’t happen the way we’d imagined them. 

What I do know is that life moved on from that hollow gut, abject misery that was September of 2013.   Slowly but surely the fog lifted.  I kept getting up and getting dressed and getting loved on by my husband and family and friends and one Saturday (I can’t remember which one but I know it was after the 27^th one at least) I stopped counting the weeks since his delivery.   My blogger friend/baby loss mom/ idol Brooke said she cried every day for an entire year after her baby, Eliza, died.  That wasn’t the case for me.  Oh, I cried plenty, mostly on the beautiful back roads to and from West Rowan High School. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sad for a year because I was, it was just that I was so busy with good things.  Good things that did not replace Levi, but softened my sadness and slowly began to replace my mourning with dancing. 

Fourteen months after I delivered Levi, I delivered Layla.  With one glaring exception, my delivery experiences were very similar.  I was induced early on Tuesday morning with Layla.  Dr. Bower delivered them both, Levi at 12:10PM and Layla at 12:16PM.  Skip was on one side and Megan was on the other for both deliveries and Mom was standing just behind Megan crying both times. Oddly enough, I remember a lot more about Levi’s delivery than I do Layla’s.  Maybe it’s because the only memories I have of Levi took place in that delivery room, and Layla makes new, lasting impressions on my memory (and my heart) every single day.  Maybe it’s because Levi’s delivery was my first experience; I’m not sure.  I’m grateful that, given the circumstances, my experience was as positive as it could be. 

And I am more than grateful for the opportunity to be Levi’s sister’s mama.  I don’t imagine that he would’ve been much like Layla.  I don’t know that I would be the same kind of mama I am to her if he hadn’t come first.  I realized a few months ago that I’d only prayed one prayer for Layla since she’s been born.  Every night before I laid her down in her crib, I held her close and I prayed to God that she would out live us.  And that was it.  For the first months of her life, the only request I made on her behalf was not really on her behalf at all, but a totally selfish petition.   While I was pregnant with Levi, I envisioned so many things for his life- what he’d enjoy, who he would act like.  Those things were hard to let go of when we couldn’t bring him home, so I spent my entire pregnancy with Layla trying not to do that and just praying she would survive.   And although I now have many hope and dreams and visions for her life, outliving me still seems like a pretty big priority, which I suppose is normal for all mamas and not just baby loss mamas like me.

For a while after we lost Levi, one of the things that made me the saddest was the feeling that I was forever going to be known as a baby loss mom.  I didn’t feel guilty or responsible for what happened, I just didn’t want to be pitied everywhere I went.  Two years later, I don’t think I am. What I hope I am for those that know me best is an Ebenezer stone of sorts. The Lord delivered us from the darkest days of our lives and put a new song in our hearts.  He loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, and you all know how much I love new clothes.   I hope I never forget to give Him praise for all He’s done for me. 

A Tale of two Breast Pumps

I’ve been meaning to write about my experience breastfeeding for a while (I’ve been meaning to write about a lot of things for a while :/) I’ve had a really great experience nursing, the first six weeks not withstanding.  Megan had been “coaching” me about breast feeding for years, but had somehow failed to mention that it HURTS LIKE A MOTHER- pun intended.  Once Layla arrived and I started nursing and complaining that it was killing me one suck at a time, everyone said to give it a couple of weeks.  Couple of weeks my rear-end!  Just when I thought it would never stop hurting, it did and ever since, it’s been pretty smooth sailing. 

When I went back to school in January and started pumping, I stayed a day ahead of Layla.  She ate about 6 ounces while I was at school and I pumped about 6 ounces every day.  I’d get a few extra ounces here and there but never built a huge supply like some moms I know.  I think the most I’ve ever had frozen at once was about 30 ounces, and that’s what I had when I went back to school two weeks ago.  The only difference is now Layla eats 10 ounces while she’s with mom and the most I pumped while at school last week was 5 ounces.  I’ve started pumping in the night again, something I stopped doing over the summer- not that Layla has stopped eating during the night because she most definitely has not! Last week I started eating oatmeal and mixing Brewer’s yeast in my oatmeal and in smoothies.  I’ve been able to make up the difference day by day with night pumping and extra pumping sessions after school.  I am still pretty concerned that I won’t be able to keep up long term.  Layla will be one (OH EM GEE) November 4^th and I am determined to nurse at least until her birthday.  So, when my pump died Friday morning at school, I kinda freaked out.

I bought my pump from Megan’s friend Elizabeth.  Megan used it with Dylan, who is now eight years old.  Elizabeth had used it the year before.  Before I used it, Elizabeth’s sister had used it, too, so this pump has logged a lot of miles. It’s an Ameda Purely Yours and I paid $50 for it.  I still remember when Megan brought it over while I was pregnant with Levi and showed me how to hook it up.  I thought I’d never be able to remember how to work the thing.  Now, I can hook the darn thing up in the dark, half asleep.  It stopped working once this summer-at 11:15PM on a night when I really needed to pump.  I yelled for Skip who had just gone to bed and he came to my rescue.  I’d spilled what I thought was a little milk in the pump bag earlier that day and it apparently had gotten into the mechanism.  Skip took the entire thing apart, cleaned the motor and by 11:45PM, I was back in the milk pumping business.  It’s worked like a top ever since.  Until Friday morning.   

I pump in my classroom with the door shut.  I have a little mini fridge behind my desk plugged into a power strip.  I plug my pump into the same power strip.  When I plugged it up Friday morning, nothing happened.  I made sure the switch on the power strip was set to ON and tried again. Nothing happened.  I’d just gotten water out of the fridge (and continued to get cold water out the rest of the day), so I figured the power strip was working just fine.  Megan suggested trying another cord and I actually had one that goes with my little speaker set to try. It wasn’t the cord.  I figured the pump was done for and found two on Craigslist each for $50.  I emailed both sellers and went about my business teaching.  I got a response quickly and this nice mama was going to let me pick up the pump from her porch since she wasn’t going to be home and drop the money in the mailbox.  Just after I asked for her address she offered to meet me at my work, which I thought was nice but odd considering she’d just offered to leave it on the porch.  I explained that I worked pretty far away from her home (in Concord) and right as I hit send, I got an email with her address where I could meet her to buy the pump.  Except the “her” was two hers.  I had been emailing two people about two different pumps for about an hour.  When you email a Craigslist seller, the email is generic and just a bunch of numbers.  This is what happens when you try to wheel and deal on Craigslist while teaching a subject you’ve been teaching for a total of four days. Anyway, I went with the lady who was willing to meet me half way, got a sweet teacher down the hall to cover the last 25 minutes of my class and headed out the door (with some very full ta-tas I might add).

On the way to meet, it hit me I would need cash.  I had $20, so I texted mom to see if I could borrow $30 from her to avoid stopping at the bank.  She, of course, had cash and said yes, so I stopped at her house, got the cash (and Layla) and kept going.  On the way, I decided to merge mom’s cash with mine and realized she’d just given me $26- a $20, a $5 and a $1. I figured she thought the $1 was another $5.  I decided I’d just tell the lady that I could write her a check for the rest or buy her something at the gas station.  Turns out, she was happy with $46 and didn’t mind being cheated.  I checked the pump with the car adaptor (like Megan told me to) and came home to get some relief.  The pump looked almost exactly like mine, but it just didn’t feel the same.  All my parts hooked up to the base easily and it got the job done, but it just felt different- and not as good as mine.  I decided to try mine at home since it was sitting right there, and wouldn’t you know, it fired up on the first try.  UNBELIEVABLE.  I said a few choice words, but I was SO glad it worked.  I now think something is/was wrong with the outlet I was using and feel pretty stupid for not checking that before buying a new pump.  In my defense, I was going on my water being cold indicating that my power strip was in working order.  The silver lining is now I can have one pump for home and one pump for school instead of looking like a pack horse carrying a pump, a purse, and a school bag to and from every day. And, I’ve never had a car adapter and now I do.  Skip is going to take the new-to-me pump apart and give it a tune up like he did my first one.

I should also share that when I got home, I found $4 in my pocket!  At first I thought it was from school and then I realized that it was the rest of the $30 that mom had given me and that I am the crazy one who cannot count and not her. The first week of school does some crazy things to teachers, let me tell ya!

It's Always Bikini Season Somewhere

A few weeks ago, Kimberly texted me and asked if the workout videos I had done from You Tube religiously for a few days before school was out were Bikini Body Mommy videos.  I said something witty about summer almost being over and “sweat shirt and jeans mommy” being more my speed.  But then, I did some research and I can’t believe I’m just now hearing about this girl!  She’s got four 90-day challenges on her own personal You Tube channel.  She’s got lots of stuff for purchase (cookbooks, meals plans, premium workouts, etc.) but TONS for free resources.  I signed up for a challenge on her website but then realized that you can just go directly to You Tube and access the videos there.

I’ve wanted needed to get back in a workout routine for a while, but the Forum where I went before Layla was born is just not an option.  It’s a 20 minute drive there and back and I’m just not willing to give that much time to traveling to and from the gym when it means taking it away from Layla, especially with the new school schedule which won’t put me home until close to 4:30 every day.  I did a good job getting in walks regularly this summer.  Kimberly and I met 3 mornings a week and walked 4 miles.  It was progress from nothing, but hasn’t done anything for my two-babies-in-14-months belly jiggle or my oh so out of shape arms. It also didn’t do anything for the number on the scale because I spent an impressive amount of time in the Starbucks drive thru and eating peanut butter straight out of the jar while binge watching The Good Wife. 

So, tomorrow morning at 6am, my alarm is going to go off and I am going to do Day One of the Bikini Body Mommy 90 Day Challenge 1.0.  I am NOT committing to 90 days straight because IMO, that’s insane!  I AM going to commit to 5 days a week.  I’ve written out a schedule and having some extra time in the morning is quite possibly the only positive of the school time change.  I should be able to get up at the same time I had to get up last year (6am) workout, shower, feed Layla, get ready, and even spend some time doing devotions before heading out the door at 7:30am. 

It’s gonna be tempting to hit the snooze button in the morning, but I am hoping that putting this out here will hold me accountable.  The first thing Briana (THE Bikini Body Mommy) suggests is getting an accountability partner for the challenge.  While I’m hoping Kimberly will join me, until she commits, this’ll have to do.  I also joined a Dietbet for the next 28 days.  If I lose 4 percent of my body weight in the next 28 days, I win!  This is my third Dietbet; I won $15 on the first one and $13 on the second.  Nothing motivates me quite like money, so the Dietbet is a good fit for me.  Now, all that’s left to do is set my alarm, submit my weight, and get to getting fit.  Wish me luck!