I'm Good

These days, I spend a ridiculous amount of time analyzing how I’m “doing.”  I get asked that question more often now, and I truly consider my answer before I respond.  Before September 6^th, I always gave the same default reply: “I’m good.” When I first went back to work, I consciously did not answer, “I’m good.”  I made a point not to, even in the moment as an auto-response, say, “I’m good” because what kind of monster loses her child and is “good.”  I said things like “I’m here” or “I’m okay” but never “I’m good.” 

But here’s the thing: lately, sometimes, I AM “good.”  My students make me laugh.  My friends send me thoughtful cards.  My aerobics instructor says she can tell I’m losing the baby weight.  Friends suffer through 5 o’clock Charlotte traffic to eat dinner with me.  My husband surprises me with a card and new, delicious smelling candles. There are things in my life that are good.  There are things in my life that are better than good.  Most days I don’t even feel guilty about enjoying the good things in my life.

I know there are many who have experienced the loss of a loved one that, 10 weeks out from their loss, were not coping as well as Skip and I have been.  I think this has a lot to do with our personalities.  I also think it has to do with our relationship with the Lord.  And, I really want to write a post (or three) that explains how a tragedy like we’ve survived can increase your faith with God instead of leaving it in shambles, but this isn’t that post.  As much as I hate the cliché timing of it all, this one is all about gratitude and how it can affect you if you’ll let it.

One morning just a few days after losing Levi, Skip and I lingered in the bed, not ready to get up and face another day. He ran across this video called “The Happiness Project” and we lay there and watched it together.  To summarize, studies show that not only being grateful but sharing gratitude with others has a direct impact on an individual’s personal happiness.  At this point in my grief, I was desperate to do any and everything that could possibly bring a hint of happiness, so I took what the video suggested to heart.  I started by writing thank you notes for the meals and other gifts we received.  (If you didn’t get one, I am truly sorry for the oversight!)  I emailed the faculty my first week back at school to convey my sincere appreciate for their support.  I even wrote the hospital (a letter they shared with all 4,000 hospital employees!) to share my appreciation for the care I received.  

Just this morning on the way to work, I was trying to pray but was at a loss for words (rare for me, I know).  I’ve been trying to do more than just ask for stuff when I pray and to talk to the Lord on behalf of others.  I know how much it’s meant to have others do that for us, and I don’t do it enough.  So, I started naming out loud, in prayer, people I am thankful for.  I think I got the idea from a Face.book status I’d just updated saying I was thankful for enduring friendship and my time the night before with Becki.  And, it went on from there.  And on, and on and before I knew it, I was in my parking space at school and I was still naming people who I am so thankful the Lord saw fit to put in my life. 

I started a “sucks list” this summer (back when nothing really sucked and my life was perfect) as a joke with my mother-in-law.  When someone hurt my feelings or offended me, I would declare them an addition to the list.  After we lost Levi, I started adding people who I didn’t think responded to us in the way we needed/wanted/expected them to.  Some people actually got kicked off the list because of the way they were what we needed/wanted/expected them to be.  I kinda joked about it, but my hurt feelings were real (still are), and I think I came pretty close to obsessing over those who hurt us- intentionally or not.  This morning, I realized that the list of names I was speaking to The Father was the list that really matters. It is impossible to forget the hurt, the bruised friendships, and the “collateral damage” of this tragedy, but I am going to try.  And, if you’re reading this, I am thankful for you, too.