Today, I am Thankful

Some days, it’s just hard to feel thankful for anything with this gaping hole in my heart.  Other days, it surprises me how blessed I feel in spite of what we’ve endured.  Today, although I am SO glad to not be at work, I am SO thankful for my job.  I’ve written a lot about how wonderful my co-workers are, but today I’m specifically thankful for the 87 teenagers with whom I spend my day.  I read a lot online about how other BLMs struggle with going back to work.  I am blessed to say that for me, going back to work was the best medicine. 

You know, for me, one of the hardest things about losing Levi has been the feeling of constant pity that I feel around most people.  I hate the sympathetic stares and guarded speech because I’m in a room.  I don’t ever feel that in my classroom.  It feels more like a safe haven.   A friend asked me a few weeks ago how my students treated me when I first went back to work.  She was surprised to hear of their lack of concern.  They weren’t callous or cold, but they were, well, teenagers.  Way more concerned about themselves and their world than mine.  Surprisingly, that felt wonderful.  They didn’t fuss over me or look at me with sad eyes, and other than welcoming me back, they went right on about their business.  I’m realizing as I’m writing this how awful it makes them sound, but they’re really not rotten kids (like most people assume of teenagers anyway).  Most of them love me and appreciate me and (greatest of all) need me in some form or fashion. They give me a purpose and a reason to get out of the bed every day.  Today, even though I’m not with them (and maybe because I’m not with them), I am SO thankful for them all.