2013 was simultaneously the best and worst year of my
life. It was the first full year that
Skip worked for himself. The business
made great progress and we paid all our bills and acquired no debt. We found out in January that we were going to
have a baby. Cue the ecstasy that was
the next 37 weeks and 3 days. Mom retired and we spent even more time
together than we used to. Bonus points:
most of this time was spent poolside!
For the second time in my life, I became a part of a small group of
Godly women who encourage my walk with the Lord and make me laugh until I
almost pee my pants. I started teaching
online (along with still teaching at WRHS) and got to do fun things with the
extra income like buy a mattress and book a long weekend in Orlando. All these things made 2013 the best, obvy (which is teenage/hispter slang for obviously)!
Then came September 6th. Some would say we lost it all. I’d be tempted to agree. I’ve been guilty of saying “everything
changed.” I play these little mind games
with myself where I ask questions that are impossible to answer honestly and
then try to force myself to answer them.
One of those questions has been “would I willingly go through it again
if I knew the outcome would still be the same?”
Would I decorate a nursery and make sub plans and pick out a name if I
knew that it would end in death and I would never meet my baby on this side of
heaven? The thing with impossible
(torture) questions is just that- they’re impossible. But, since I’m being forced (by me!) to
answer, I’d have to [guess] yes. I
cannot say that the good of 2013 outweighed the bad, because, no one in their
right mind (and I still think I am!) would say that. What I can say is this: there was good in
2013. There was even good after September 7th. There has been good because of September 7th. Not everything
changed. The biggest change was the
worst of my life, but not everything changed.
Am I glad that 2013 is over?
Yes and no. As blogger “friend”
of mine pointed out, 2013 will forever be the only year that included
Levi. 2013 will forever be the year of
my first pregnancy. I experienced a love
I’d only heard about in 2013. I felt an
outpouring of support that I never could’ve imagined. 2013 will forever be the year I became a mom. So yeah, I’m mostly glad it’s over, but I’ll
hold tight to it all of my days.
And, you guys, it feels mushy and idealistic to admit, but I
am SO hopeful for 2014. I hope that it
will come out of nowhere and trump 2013 in a big way. I hope that this blog will be filled with
words that make us all cry tears of joy.
I hope that I’ll keep my resolutions (more on those later-stay tuned!)
and that 2014 will be one for the history books.
But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.
Psalm 33:18
Stephanie, you don't know me...you know my sister, Christi & my mom, Jennifer...Christi pointed me to your blog this morning. I just want you to know that you have my prayers for a year full of joy, healing, unloading of grief and a promise for a lot of "I'm goods"! You probably aren't aware, but I have a friend that gave birth not long after you experienced your loss of sweet Levi...same hospital, same nurses. She had previously lost a baby after a 13 month long battle of sickness and birth-related issues. She was sharing with her nurse her loss and the nurse then shared with her your story. What a blessing it was to her and to those nurses, and I pray to you, to hear that joy, redeeming joy, does indeed come in the morning. I pray your redeeming joy, in whatever form, comes to you this morning, and all mornings and on a special morning in the future. I've prayed for you numerous times, I can't even begin to imagine the depth of your loss. I pray for the depth to become shallower by the Grace of God. Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts to help us to understand your situation better and how to find HOPE in the midst of hard times, worry and grief. Thank you, for ministering to ME this morning. Prayers and blessings to you & Skip in 2014.
ReplyDelete"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23
~ Amanda Eller
Thanks, Amanda! I've heard a lot about you. Glad to "meet" you at least a little!
ReplyDelete