So, this is it...

I’ve been waiting for over two months to write this.  I’ve been waiting until it felt safe, until the timing was just right.  But, my first trimester has nearly come and gone and my clothes are snug and it still doesn’t feel “just right” and it most certainly does not feel safe.  My sister-in-law, Sarah (who is due with her second baby in November) asked me today when we were going to tell people.  And we have told a few people, we’ve just not done the 21^st century, interweb big announcement.  It feels silly to say that I’ve been waiting on the “perfect time” (all the while knowing that does not exist) to write a blog, post a picture, leave a status, do SOMETHING to tell our cyber friends our good news.  So, this is it: I am pregnant!

When I got pregnant with Levi, I knew immediately how I wanted to announce the pregnancy.  I recruited Becca shortly after we heard the heartbeat and sent her the picture ideas I had dutifully saved for months and months on Pinterest.  We had a ball during our photo shoot and ended up choosing an original, “Becca pose” for our announcement.  We spent more than I did on wedding invitations (only a slight exaggeration) on the cutest announcements on the highest quality paper.  (It’s still the best pregnancy announcement I’ve ever seen!) I addressed envelopes weeks in advance and once our 12 week appointment went well, we dropped those suckers in the mail.  I took goodies to lunch and told my school friends our news, and like the best friend that she is, Megan brought me presents on the same day.  It was perfect. 

And this time, well, it’s just different.  We are over the moon excited and hopeful, but there’s an air of unreality, too.  We’ve traded in our “whens” for “ifs” and although it sounds so very silly to admit, there’s a part of me that does not want to jinx this pregnancy by admitting it exists.  There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to look foolish for getting excited about something that’s not a sure thing.  Then, there’s the flip side that wants everything to feel and be as normal as it can be.  There’s the me that wants to stop going to GlowintheWoods and join the “normal” pregnancy forums where moms gripe about morning sickness and debate the need for a jogging stroller as if they KNOW their babies are going to show up on schedule and require something in which to stroll. There’s the part of me that wants to plan a gender reveal party because we didn’t last time, and on the flip side I’ve briefly considered not even finding out the gender because maybe that’ll help me to get less attached. 

But do I want to be attached.  If the next 5 months or so are the only months I get with this little one, I want to love him/her as fiercely as I did Levi.  This baby deserves my excitement just as much as he did.  I’ve been waiting until it felt “safe” to announce this pregnancy, and I realized tonight that it will feel safe when I am holding a breathing baby in my arms come November.  Until then, I am cautiously optimistic.  I am hoping for the best.  I am praying that parenting my own living child is in God’s plan for my life.  I am more full of joy than I am worry. But I do not feel like it’s a sure thing.  I won’t be having any showers and I doubt we buy too many things until he or she arrives here safely.  

I’m really looking forward to writing about this journey.  I’m excited to have new things to write about and new experiences to share.  I want to remember every stage of this pregnancy.  I want to be able to look back on God’s provision and protection.  I’d love to be an encouragement to someone else that has experienced the pain we have.  So, I’ve already started writing a lot and have been waiting to post until after the Big Announcement was made.  So this is it!  We are excited and scared and grateful and anxious and high risk and hopeful and praying and trusting and fretting and PREGNANT!