Speaking of...

I am ashamed of my lack of blogging this summer.  When I was sitting on the side of the road waiting on Skip to come rescue me on our anniversary, I was thinking- I need to write about this.  My next thought was that I needed to write about a lot things that have happened this summer.  As summer is quickly winding down, I can’t believe that it’s almost over. 

So in no particular order, here’s a little update:

Thursday was our four-year anniversary.  We made plans for a couple’s massage at Massage Envy (we had a gift certificate!) and a cookie skillet at Afton Tavern.  We haven’t gone overboard on anniversaries the last two years- not gifts, no fancy dinner, just some scheduled time together.  It’s plenty special to us.  I realized in my quest to make an insta-collage of our pictures that we don’t take enough couple pics, so I am making it a new (marriage) year’s resolution to take more pictures together!  I got tickled at how many pictures I found of Skip sleeping.  Maybe I’ll do a collage of those for his upcoming birthday.  Anyway, despite my car trouble, it was a great day. 

Speaking of car trouble, in my never-ending pursuit of a silver lining, here goes: My check engine light came on at the beginning of the summer.  Skip took it to have the codes read, had the light turned off and brought it back “good as new” at the end of June.  The light came on again, but it continued to drive just fine, so I didn’t worry about it-just call me Penny.  Then I realized my inspection was due, so I set out Thursday morning to get the light re-set, drive the miles needed to get me a good inspection, and be on my merry way.  I took Baby A to summer camp (more on that later) and ran some errands.  I went to Salisbury and back and when I was a little over a mile away from home, I lost power.  I coasted another ½ mile or so while I called Skip to report that “it has happened.”  I got tickled calling him because I was just barely rolling down the road and it struck me funny.  Here’s the thing: it could have been SO MUCH WORSE.  I had been on the interstate minutes before.  I had been in another town an hour before.  Baby A is with me nearly everywhere I go these days.  But instead, I was alone, near home, and getting adorable video via text from Ashley of Baby A living it up at summer camp.  Oh, and the next day was a “gully-washer” of nonstop rain all day, so I was very thankful my break down happened the day before.  I ended up needing an alternator and a radiator.  My 2005 Nissan Altima has 203,500 miles and has had neither of these replaced before, so I couldn’t be too upset.  The retired mechanic down the street had me back on the road in less than 24 hours.  Interestingly enough he called at 11AM with the following information.  My car was ready.  He closed at 12.  It would be $1083.  He didn’t take debit/credit cards.  Or checks.  I should bring cash.  It’s a darn good thing for him that we’re Dave Ramsey disciples and had access to that kind of cash in the form of our emergency fund.  Anyway, the car runs great once again and all’s well that ends well.

Speaking of ending well, this week will be the last week Baby A goes to summer camp.  She spent her first day at camp in June when mom and I spent the day at the spa.  When I picked her up, it was obvious she’d had a great time.  Skip and I had a little mini-vacation to Hilton Head planned for July, so it seemed like a no brainer to send her back to camp while we were away.  When I did the math on paying per day vs. paying per month, it made the most sense to sign her up from mid July- mid August.  She also got quite clingy after I’d been out of school a few weeks and I do not want her to be that child who puts their mom in a choke hold when strangers speak to them in Target.  I’ve read all about separation anxiety at her age and know that it’s normal for the most part, but I also want her to know how to interact with other children and listen to other adults who may or may not be able to cater to her like ma-ma and da-da and nanny do at home. So, overall, it’s been a good decision.  She missed a few days with a stomach virus and a few more because of terrible teething days, so this past week was the first week she’s gone 3 days.  The first and second were great.  I got the videos I mentioned earlier and she was all smiles.  Fast-forward to Friday’s pick up.  When I got there she was a crying, snotty mess.  She had one foot randomly painted pink (due to a craft gone bad) and when I went to put her in the car seat, I noticed she was no longer wearing pants.  The director stopped me on the way to the car to ask if I’d been told “what was going on.”  Turns out, there’s been a little outbreak of hand-foot-and-mouth disease and I should watch her tiny (black) hands for pinks spots that indication infection.  I remained outwardly calm, but was a little panicked inside.  Remember that I joined this active parenting club four short months ago and this is my first experience with daycare of any kind.  Before I got home, I’d sworn of daycare forever and had Googled and had the center for disease control on speed dial (just kidding).  Of course, once Baby A stopped crying, took a good nap and has shown no signs of infection, I am ready to pack her up and send her back to camp next week.  This ma-ma just needed a few minutes to process the events that transpired at pick-up.  Ultimately though, it did settle for me that we will not be putting her in pre-school until/if/when the new baby comes and Nanny cannot keep them both at the same time.  We’d been debating the need for social interaction vs. spending money we didn’t really need to spend, so Friday helped make that decision a bit easier.

Speaking of easy decisions, when we decided to go to Hilton Head for three nights, it seemed like an easy decision.  I’ve written about the sweet deal I scored us on the fancy resort, so I feel the need to disclose how it really went down: they sent a voucher to print when I booked the trip, but to ensure I didn’t lose it, I didn’t even attempt to print it until the day before we left.  And of course, the website was down that day.  About half way to Hilton Head, I got it pulled up on my phone.  We were to check-in at the HH welcome center before proceeding to our hotel.  We assumed the welcome center would be in HH.  WRONG.  After getting to the island, we discovered the fine folks in HH like to welcome you to their island 35 MILES before you get to it.  So, we backtracked.  Then, a very unconcerned check-in lady explained that our accommodations were actually only for two nights.  If I wanted to clear up the mix-up, I would have to go stand in the parking lot in the 90-degree heat to get a decent enough signal to call someone who might be able to fix it for me.  Long story short, the “free” bonus night was not booked (even though it so totally was) and we would have to call back daily to see if a cancelation would make a third night a possibility for us.  Which I did to no avail.  Their best solution was to put us at a way-less-swanky-but-still-nice-enough hotel a few miles away.  The silver lining here was that the time-share tour was the easiest one we’ve ever done.  It took less than the 90 minutes allotted and the dude did not pressure us at all.  I guess when you’re visibly pregnant and talking about an 11 month old at home, they know you’ve got bigger fish to fry than a time-share payment.  They guy did ask us to drive him (and us) to the resort which we found odd but a small price to pay for being out in a 75 minutes.  We also used every dime of the $100 food vouchers they “gave” us and really enjoyed our meals.  The food was probably the high light of our trip.  Anytime I get to eat Key Lime Pie three nights in a row is a good time for me.  I must confess, too, that we did not stay the third night in the way-less-swanky-but-still-nice-enough hotel.  We showered, napped, and got ready for dinner there and after dinner on our last night, we hit the road.  Had we been in the super fancy resort room still, we probably would’ve stayed, but driving home at midnight helped us make great time and we missed that little girl something fierce.  This parenthood thing really does change everything.

Speaking of parenthood, I’ve got lots of things to share about Baby A, her upcoming birthday, and the joy that has been summer visitation.  I’ve also hit 24 weeks, which is supposed to be a major pregnancy milestone that feels just like any other uncertain day for me.  But, this has gotten way long (and I hope not too boring) and it’s past even my summer bedtime, so I’ll save those updates for another day. If you read to the end, thanks for the love J.

Confession and Our Day in Review

My plan (and you know how I love a plan) for this summer was to write a lot.  I wanted to chronicle our time with Baby A and our subsequent pregnancy and ENJOY leisurely writing.  So far, I’ve failed miserably.  I could (legitimately) blame it on not having as much time as I assumed I would have to write and on regularly forgetting/blocking out the fact that I am, in fact, pregnant again, but I don’t really think that’s it.  You see, I am nothing if not an honest writer and sharing about Baby A with 100% honesty is complicated.  It’s scary to admit how attached we are to her and how much we’d love to keep her forever.

Here’s the thing, and I feel a little dumb even admitting it: I didn’t think I would love her this much.  Honestly, I am not sure I’ve ever felt this kind of love before. Yes, I loved Levi fiercely.  I loved the tiny bundle of joy I imagined he would be.  I loved how much he looked like his daddy when he was born, despite the other horrific aspects of his appearance.  I loved all the hopes and dreams we had for our firstborn.  I still do.  But, I didn’t know him like I know Baby A.  I haven’t gotten good at anticipating his needs or identifying his cries.  He doesn’t reach for me for bedtime snuggles and when (like she has been today) he is sick.  I desperately wish I had been afforded those opportunities with him but I wasn’t.  But, I have been with her.  I almost feel guilty for enjoying her as much as I do when I don’t get to enjoy him in these ways.  So, we’re three months in and I cannot imagine not being her mom.  I cannot imagine losing her, too. To all those people who said from the beginning, “how on earth will you give her back?” I have to say now, “I have no idea.”

It’s not like Skip and I thought it would be easy.  We went into this saying that our motto has kind of become “we do hard stuff,” and it’s true.  I just didn’t think it’d be this hard for several reasons.  I thought the progression towards reunification with Baby A’s mother would be speedier than it has turned out to be.  I also did not have a clear picture of her goals for herself and her baby.  There have been several turns of events (turn of events?) that have put us in a different position than we thought we would be.  I had been a mother but I had never been a parent, so I had no idea what kind of bond could be created between a mom with empty arms and a precious baby in need of some to spoil her rotten.  I know now.

The initial “reunification” date was set for August 19^th, Baby A’s first birthday.  Being just a little over a month away from that date, it’s obvious that that is not going to happen.  Her mom is not anymore prepared to take her now that she was when we got her and we are certainly not prepared to give her back.  The thought of having this new baby girl (more on that later) and a 14-month-old Baby A terrifies me and excites me.  Although I’ve never wanted “stair step” children, when I imagine having this new baby, I cannot imagine Baby A not being there, too.  I used to look at moms with kids that close in age with pity in the Target check out line, and now I start and end my day praying to be one of them!

We’ve (hopefully) made it through our first bout of illness with Baby A.  She was extra sleepy on Saturday, and by Sunday afternoon she had the early signs of a stomach bug (which at first I attributed to teething).  By this morning, she was full blown sick.  I began texting my mama friends and asking for advice, calling my mama, and running through possible causes with Skip.  I’d had plans for today for weeks with Ashley and Jenilee for a full day of visiting in Charlotte.  I could not decide if I felt comfortable leaving her with my mom, but I knew she could not go with me and be around Luke, Ashley’s son.  I mulled it over for hours in between some of the nastiest diaper changes I’ve ever been witness to, and decided I could go for an abbreviated visit.  She was just going to sleep (and poop) and mom could handle that.  I checked in with mom mid-visit and decided to go ahead and look into taking her to the doctor tomorrow.  The only “local” doctor she’s been to is in Myers Park (Charlotte!) where her mother took her for her 9 month check-up.  I called the pediatrician I plan to use here only to find out they don’t take Medicaid patients.  My second choice also could not accept her Medicaid, because it’s been issued in Mecklenburg County instead of Cabarrus (even though the office is in Davidson- which is in Mecklenburg county!).  I gave up and called the nurse line at the Myers Park office.  I was pleased with the nurse, satisfied with her recommendations and amused by her questions (no, she has not been out of the country in the last 30 days; no, she has not been in close proximity to reptiles in the last 14 days).   We made a pit stop for Pedialyte on our way home from Ashley’s and I picked up a still very sick baby and brought her home to nurse back to help armed with only cherry punch “cocktail.”

She did a lot more sleeping (and pooping) and kept down very little Pedialyte, but after her bath tonight she played (nekkid) in the nursery floor with Skip and me for about 45 minutes.  We’re praying that’s a sign of better days to come.  She tried so hard to feel good enough to play today, which just made her even more pitiful.  I guess we’ve experienced yet another parenting first, and it’s one that I hope doesn’t come around too often.  I have been grateful for a hands-on husband and nanny and especially for my mama friends who’ve been there-done this before and have infinite wisdom to bestow upon us.  I’ve talked more about poop today than I ever care to again, but it’s been so comforting to have someone to ask, “does red Pedialyte make a diaper look like it maybe/possibly/could be blood?” at 10PM.  There are perks to bringing up the rear on this child raising stuff and today, I definitely reaped the benefits. And even when she’s puny (and poopy) there’s no where else I’d rather her be.      

My Baby Daddy

Today, I shared this picture on Face.book and Instagram.

I knew Skip would not be thrilled, but I just couldn’t help myself.  To me, this is the epitome of Skip as a dad. We’ve just come in from a morning on the beach, and while I’m getting Baby A’s lunch ready, Skip is eating his own (graham crackers and peanut butter) right out of the jar.  She is perfectly content to be watching a soccer game because she’s snuggled up to da-da.  While he promptly sent a “YOU SUCK” text when I posted it, I love everything about this picture.  In my defense, he knew I was taking the picture and had ample time to hide the peanut butter or chase me away with his sticky knife.  

This parenting thing isn’t always easy, but oh my goodness, it is SO MUCH FUN and we are having the time of our lives doing it together.  Watching Skip be a daddy is one of the things I mourned the most when we didn’t get to bring Levi home with us.  When we met, I just knew that he was going to be an amazing father.  My “niece” Hailey was about a year old when we started dating and she has adored him since the first time they met.  I remember watching him with her and hoping that one day I’d be watching him with our own kids.  And now I am and it’s everything I hoped it would be.

I hear dads brag all the time about how few times they got up in the night with their kids or how few diapers they changed, and I appreciate this man I get to raise babies with even more.  During the school year, Skip got Baby A out of bed, fed her, changed her, dressed her for the day, and fixed an incredibly challenging yet oh so cute afro hair-do every single morning.  While we were at the beach, she straight refused to sleep in the crib, so every night/morning around 1AM, someone had to hold her- for the rest of the night!  Skip took his turn without being asked.  Mom and I went for a little spa get away a few weeks ago and Skip kept her all on his own (with a daytime sitter’s help-thanks Megan and Ashley!).  I’ve only done that once myself since we’ve had her, and I know it’s not easy.  He fixes her hair washes her bottles and calms her “ma-ma” down when I am get too worked up over her not being forever ours. 

When we found out that Baby Erdman #2 is a girl, I was a little disappointed.  It’s hard to explain feeling thrilled and disappointed at the same time, but I’ve been processing my reaction for over a week now, and that’s pretty accurate.  I had a little fear that Skip was going to be disappointed if it wasn’t a boy.  Many people asked after we found out if he was disappointed.  He wasn’t!  He didn’t fault my feelings, but he honestly did not care.  And now I don’t know why I even considered that he might.  This little girl has him wrapped so tightly around her finger, I can’t believe I thought another girl could be a disappointment to him.  So, here’s to Skip, my baby daddy.  And here’s hoping he hates these pictures at least a little less!

Helping da-da pack!

Baby A and da-da in their hats!

A little pre-dinner lemon eating!  She loves 'em!

'Twas the Night Before...

It’s the night before we find out if Baby Erdman is a boy or a girl.  All day, people have asked me to text them tomorrow or let them know “ASAP” and it’s taken a minute for me to realize to what they were referring.  I guess it’s only natural to compare subsequent pregnancies to the previous one, no matter what the outcome of the first one was, and this one is no different. 

Ironically, we had our anatomy scan for Levi on a Monday, too.  I remember so vividly sitting in the floor on a Sunday afternoon with pink and blue paper crafting banners we would hold for pictures just after finding out.  I thought from the time we found out I was pregnant that Levi was a boy. Skip’s family is full of boys (he’s got three -awesome- brothers) and so I’d always thought that we’d have boys, too.  A few days before our ultrasound, I started thinking maybe it could be a girl.  While I made the girl banner, I envisioned all these cute outfits and bows and having a relationship with my daughter like I have with my mama.  And if I’m being honest, I kind of wanted a girl.  But then, the moment the tech put the warm jelly and “baby looker thingy” on my belly, we saw that it was indeed a boy.  I was a little shocked at my lack of disappointment.  I was gonna be a mama to a boy!  We look the picture below and told the world about our boy. 

And this time (how many times will I write this?) is just different.  Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to tomorrow.  I am NOT entertaining the notion of NOT finding out (sorry, Christi).  Wondering if this baby is a boy or a girl is just not consuming my thoughts like it did last time.  The baby in general is not consuming my thoughts.  I could blame/thank Baby A for that, and to some extent she does deserve credit for being welcome distraction, but when I am real with myself, I know that my mind is just trying to protect my heart.  All I know about having a baby is delivering a dead one.  The last “routine” test I had for this little bean led to other tests to rule out serious chromosome disorders.  I feel like proceeding with caution is a smart thing to do.

Many babyloss moms choose not to find out the gender in their subsequent pregnancies.  I thought, at first, that this was more to make the statement, “we don’t care what it is as long as it’s healthy,” but since I’ve been pregnant again, I think it’s more of a guarding your heart type thing, especially for those who found out with their firsts.  I get the second thought, I really do, it’s just not something my personality will allow me to do.  I also don’t care what it is, as long as it’s healthy, but I also want to know since I can know.  And, in the interest of full disclosure, we sort of do have preference.  We are so in love with this little girl that has invaded our hearts and our home, and we would be happy to have another one, but we’d also love to be able to use all the little boy stuff that’s been on hold since September.  We know this little one is not going to replace the little one we lost, and we don’t want him/her to.  We just think it’d be really cool to watch a little boy grow up and imagine what it might’ve been like to watch our first one grow up,too.

To-do List

A few days before summer break officially started, I made myself a “to do” list.  I’ve been working on it since Monday and thanks to a Nanny who insists on keeping Baby A in a routine this summer, I’ve gotten some time home without a baby girl underfoot.  I cannot explain the satisfaction I feel every time I get to erase a task from my list (in the notepad on my phone).  Today I got to erase: organize my closet, book our summer vacation, and clean out Baby A’s “too small” clothes.  I also got some cleaning done and made a few new recipes.

I have been really excited about these recipes, so I’ll share a little more detail.  Monday, Baby A and I went to visit Jenilee and her girls for the day.  She had banana breakfast cookies that Baby A really liked and are healthy and a good finger food for her.  I made those yesterday and they’ve been a big hit!  They’re basically bananas, oats, applesauce, raisins and cinnamon. I may or may not have eaten a few of these myself.  Jenilee also shared some “energy bites” with me for “dessert” after lunch and I knew right away I wanted to make those, too.  They’ve apparently been all over Pinterest for a while, but I’d somehow missed them.  They’ve got honey and peanut butter, so they’re not for the baby, but Skip loved them and I do, too. They’re filling and sweet enough to satisfy a sweet tooth, but I don’t feel guilty eating a few.  I’ve also cooked dinner every night this week.  That wasn’t on my list, but it’s something I really enjoy doing and summertime gives me a little more time to prepare.

Organizing my closet was another major accomplishment today.  For one thing, it’s always a major task when I’ve let it go for so long but today, I put out my maternity clothes as I was cleaning out.  This was the second time I’d been into the box of clothes I wore while carrying Levi.  It was a lot easier this time than the last.  I separated them into piles of things I can use this go around and things that won’t work with the seasons.  I even got a little excited about a few things I’d really liked last summer.  There are a few things that made it into the closet that I am not sure, when the time comes, that I’ll actually wear them.  The only thing that I absolutely know I cannot wear is a V-neck purple t-shirt that I wore most frequently last summer.  It’s what I was wearing at my last doctor visit and what I walked over to the hospital in to start what would be the worse days of my life.  It’s really nothing special, but it’s cute and comfy and brings with it too many memories that I can’t walk around wearing.

Once I was done with my closet and feeling all accomplished, I set out to sort Baby A’s clothes.  We’ve had her for 11 weeks (more on my insane love for and attachment to this baby girl later) and she’s already outgrown so many of her clothes.  I’ve always heard moms talk about the pile up of clothes and now I believe it!  We were so blessed to have been given a lot of clothes for Baby A, but we’ve got sizes from 3 months to 18 months!  They were beginning to pile up and I was missing things that fit because they were hidden by wintery pants or shirts that are too small.  We still have all of the baby boy clothe we got for Levi in drawers in the nursery, so there’s a limited amount of space for things we’re not using.  If we indeed find out on Monday what our new baby is, I’ll either keep the baby boy clothes or move more stuff around to make room for more girl stuff, stay tuned!

Probably the most exciting part of my day was booking our summer vacation.  I spent most of my time administering exams the last week of school and looking for vacation spots.  Because of our current circumstances (baby, baby on the way, budget, business etc.) we had to be picky: within driving distance, books partial weeks, beach location, and resort feel were “must haves.” I found a few places that were (barely) within our budget. We decided on Hilton Head Island and I set my heart on this one particular resort (Sontesta is the name, FYI).  A friend of mine was going to try to hook us up with a corporate discount, so I put of booking the resort for a few weeks (that’s how it ended up on the to do list!).  When I didn’t hear back from the discount, I decided we better book something.  Much to my dismay, the resort I had my heart set on was now $60 more A NIGHT!  It was barely in our price range before, and now, there was no way.  I pouted to Skip and looked over and over at travel sites and rates- still $300 a night and not a possibility for us.  So, today in between my cleaning, I Googled the resort and a “vacation deal” site appeared.  I recognized right away that it was a promotion that required a time-share walk through.  I called the resort directly and verified that the deal was legit, and texted Skip (in a business meeting) to see if he thought it was worth it.  His response was humorous and true, “timeshare walk-throughs are kind of our thing.” So, long story short less long, we’re going to the resort I set my heart on and will be saving about $400 bucks in exchange for 90 minutes of our time and a little bit of our dignity.  Totally worth it!

So, as you can tell, my summer is off to a fabulous start!  This post feels a bit like a “How I spent my Summer Vacation” essay, and this is just one day!  There’s a lot wrong with public education but there’s one thing that, in my opinion, is still exactly right: summer vacation! 

Hello Summer

As I sit here administering an exam on one of the last days of school, I am filled with memories of one year ago.

I remember so vividly this time last year.  My goal was to make sub plans for two units during exam week.  I was only marginally successful, but I didn’t care, I was pregnant!  I had to come back in August, endure four weeks max of school and spend the rest of the semester at home with a new baby.  I had maternity bathing suits and pool tags in hand.  Mom had just retired and we had lots of fun little trips planned. Our little boy had a name and would soon have the coolest nursery I’ve ever seen (thanks to my amazing in laws).  It was the best time in my life, a truly magical summer.  Skip was working from home and we ate breakfast together every morning and went to doctor appointments and spent a week in Palm Beach.  In all my summer pictures, I was tan and round, and oh so happy.  I had showers on the calendar and gift cards to spend.  I was going to be a mama.

And then I wasn’t.  Or at least, not in the way I had planned.  And this year has taught me so much about who I am.  About who my husband is.  About who my real friends are.  About what I can survive and even thrive in spite of.  And I wouldn’t change the experience of last summer or my first pregnancy for anything. In spite of knowing that Levi would not ever see that nursery, I would do it all again.  It’s a part of me. It’s the most painful part of me, but those memories are mine alone.  

So as I’m watching these seniors take their last exams and so full of excitement for the days to come, I’ve realized I want this summer to match last summer.  I not only have a baby to look forward to, I have an almost 10 month old I adore who is about to experience her first summer and in true Erdman fashion at that!  My blogger friend/idol Brooke wrote recently about her joy and grief over planning a 2^nd birthday party for her rainbow baby. This quote has stayed with me since reading it and it describes perfectly the way I feel about facing embracing this summer, “Grief and joy are not a two sided coin, I don’t choose one or the other.  I carry them both with me always.”   Isn’t she good? 

So, I’m glad I don’t have to choose.  I know that there will be many things that happen this summer that will remind me of the way things should have been.  Baby A is a wonderful blessing, but sometimes she reminds me of the little boy who should be crawling around and insisting on watching daddy grilling on the porch.  I love being pregnant, but when I can’t enjoy a cocktail at a cookout or buy much of anything at Drew’s new boutique, I remember that this summer should be different.  Just last week, I got out my maternity clothes and had a good cry.  I was not ready to see all the things that I wore when I was carrying Levi.  I think that’ll get better, but there are a few outfits I love that I know I won’t be able to wear without being overcome by sadness.  So grief and joy will be a part of this summer.  And I’m mostly okay with that.  I’ve gotten pretty good at letting joy prevail, and I have a lot to look forward to. We’re taking Baby A to the beach with my family in a few weeks, and as of June 13^th, I will be “unemployed” for almost 10 weeks.  Skip is sill working from home, so I’ll get to see more of him.  We find out the gender of this little rainbow baby on June 23^rd.  I know this summer will be different.  Everything has been different since losing Levi.  But, I am okay with different.  Hello summer!

Reality Check

I have never been so happy to see the sun set.  This morning started like any other Monday, except that it’s the next-to-last Monday before school’s out for summer (I sang those last words as I typed them.  I hope you sang them as you read.).  I checked my phone during first block because Skip often has questions in the morning while he’s dressing Baby A for the day.  Just last week he sent her with mom in a sun hat AND a bow, so, you know, he needs guidance.  He’d sent me this adorable video of her babbling this morning whilst still in her jammies.  As I was watching, the head of Rise Up called me.  I couldn’t answer in the middle of class, so I sent it to voice mail and went back to teaching.  A few minutes later I checked to see if she’d left a message and found a text from her, “please call me ASAP, it’s urgent.”  I excused myself to the hall and called right away.

Aimee informed me that Baby A’s mom was being asked to leave the house where she’s been staying and that she would be coming to get Baby A by this evening.  I lost my mind.  I cried the ugly cry.  I’ve been back at work for 7 months and have managed not to ugly cry and 30 seconds into this phone call, I was balling. And begging and pleading with someone who has very little control to please leave this precious baby where she’s being well loved and taken care of.  Aimee had not gotten ahold of Emily, so I started calling her over and over all the while crying my eyes out and most definitely not doing my job.  Megan declared that I must go home and tell my mom and not cry in front of my classes, so as she’s had some practice doing, she began making plans to get my classes covered.  I was headed home by 9am to spend what I was afraid was going to be my last day with this little girl that I am so in love with.

I called Mom on the way and assured her that I was physically okay and so was my baby, but that Baby A was being taken tonight.  I talked to Aimee again who just wanted to prepare me for the worst.  She’s taken in a child in a similar situation and it did not end well, so she just wanted to prepare me.  About half way home, Emily called and I filled her in on what I knew. After a few more phone calls, she had the whole story and was trying through tears to reassure me that she did not think that Baby A’s mom would want to take her back tonight.  After Aimee basically guaranteed me that she would want her back tonight, I had a hard time trusting her.  Whether she came and got the baby tonight or not, I knew that the dynamic of the situation would be changing and I was still really scared.  Skip came by on his way to shoot to tell Baby A bye just incase she was gone before he got home from work.  Thankfully she was outside with mom and I didn’t have to witness this.  When mom told me about it, I fell all to pieces again.

Then we waited.  And prayed.  And cried.  Baby A played and slept, and remarkably mom and I slept when she did.  Emily met with Baby A’s mom and although plans are very, very tentative for her future living arrangements, she did not want to come get our girl tonight.  I haven’t gotten much more than a text or two as they are still trying to figure some things out.  Skip and I realize that we are probably going to have to step up and take more of a leadership role in her mom’s life if we hope to 1) keep Baby A and 2) ever feel comfortable about sending her back to her mom.  More than anything, today was a wake up call.  As much as I have tried not to get overly attached and as much as I have known that she will go back to her mom one day, I realized today exactly how hard it will be when that day comes.  It will be easier if her mom is in a good place to take her back and if she has a home and a plan for child care and all the ideals are in place.  But it will still be hard.  There will always be a part of me that feels like another one of my babies should be with me but is not.  And I knew all of this before we accepted this challenge.  I knew it would be hard and I know (because we have survived everything else) that we will survive it, too.  It’s just so easy in the midst of bath time and putting her in cute bathing suits and laughing at her funny faces that she’s ever going anywhere.  Today was a very big reality check that one day, hopefully not until her mom is in a much better place, that she will be leaving us.

**I feel the need to add a disclaimer that Baby A’s mom is not involved in alcohol or drug abuse of any kind.  The house where she was staying (for good reason) has very strict rules and she violated a rule.  They have a very low/zero tolerance policy and a waiting list that doesn’t allow for second chances.  Nothing that she did makes us fear her ability to be a good parent.  Not receiving the additional help from the housing program could delay her progress.  Please join us in praying her success as she continues to try to better herself.